13 Unlucky Ways Bread Kills You

1. "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."

More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.

2. "Wax on, wax off."

Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. "Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. "Death is just another path; one that we all must take."

Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

5. "Well, it's not the men in your life that counts...it's the life in your men."

Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

6. "Nazis. I hate these guys."

96.9 of all Nazi sympathizers have eaten bread.

7. "By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.

8. "Bats frighten me."

93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

9. "What sort of gods make rats and plagues and dwarfs?"

Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

10. "Let them eat cake."

Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

11. "All things in moderation, including moderation."

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

12. "He literally doesn't know how to do anything without magic. Just drop it out a window my dude, babies are so fragile."

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

13. "It's just a flesh wound."

Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

And there you have it: all the reasons we should avoid bread.