You see him from afar -- the one person on the entirety of this campus that you were hoping to avoid. It’s a straight line from him to you on the same freaking sidewalk; only stale, awkward air lingering in the midst. What sort of sins did you commit in a past life worthy of this deplorable karma?
The obvious next step: tunnel vision to the iPhone as though responding to an immediate group text crisis. He knows you saw him. You know he knows you saw him. Next time, do yourself a favor and avoid unwanted campus run-ins a more mature manner. Here are some superior methods to muse:
- Dive in the nearest pile of leaves. Stay until the coast is clear.
- Pretend to call the Great Uncle you’ve never actually met. Twenty years is never too late.
- Carry a bed sheet in your backpack labelled “Invisibility Cloak” in black sharpie. Use it.
- Turn. Formal track start. Sprint.
- Assume fetal position, audibly wailing about Trump’s potential nomination.
- Find the nearest tree. Climb it.
- Belt the “50 States” song at the top of your lungs, passionate enough to avoid warranting any potential human interaction.
- Cartwheel continuously.
- Lie facedown on the ground. Stay there.
- Stuff 18 marshmallows into your mouth at once, paralyzing any speaking capabilities.
- Stop, drop and roll. The intended use of 2nd grade safety training.
- Pursue and attempt to leash the closest squirrel.
- Recite impromptu slam poetry until the situation passes.
- Get a running start, then penguin slide across the pavement whilst screaming “SLIP-N-SLIDE!!!”
- Dump out the entirety of your backpack’s contents. Proceed to put them all back in.
- Find the nearest stranger and ask them to sign your “Save the Chinese Sturgeons” petition.
- Attempt to hide under a traffic cone.
- Put your ear to the pavement and yell, “Jim?! Are you down there?!”
- Spray paint yourself gold and stand really still, with a bucket for donations.
- Buy a jetpack. Keep it attached for immediate use.
- Quickly slip on a silicone mask resembling Charlie Sheen.
- Start a flash mob.
- Pull out a blanket. Pretend to nap.
- Envelop the person you’re hoping to avoid in a full-blown embrace. They won’t know what hit ‘em.
- All of the above.
No leaf is too small nor tree too tall to provide you shelter in this storm. May the force be with you.
