WashU Professor Organizes First Homophobe Pride Parade

WashU Professor Organizes First Homophobe Pride Parade

Satire, yes, but barely...
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Content warning: contains actual quotes from Katz' essay.

ST. LOUIS: It was last semester that local scientist, WashU professor of physics, and "proud homophobe" Jonathan Katz decided that enough was enough. If he was just as proud to be a homophobe as LGBTQ+ students were to be queer, then why should they enjoy a monopoly on Pride Parades? The result of these meditations would become WashU's first Homophobe Pride Parade, a rip-roaring extravaganza of contrarian intolerance attended ultimately only by Katz and his extremely reluctant dog.

The affair, held on Brookings Quad, was reported to consist only of the tenured professor playing Monopoly against himself with a handful of Tostitos. Chancellor Mark Wrighton, next door in Brookings Hall, could be seen running frantically through the office, asking aides, "Can we fire him for this? Can we finally fire him for this?"

Meanwhile, Katz took the opportunity to read selections of his essay, "In Defense of Homophobia," over a microphone. "The Klan has blood on its hands, and anyone who joins must share the guilt. So, too, with the homosexual movement," he bellowed. His dog, looking extremely uncomfortable, attempted to whimper to an approaching tour group in hopes of being adopted.

"Guilt for their [heterosexuals'] deaths is on the hands of the homosexuals and intravenous drug abusers who poisoned the blood supply. These people died so the sodomites could feel good about themselves," continued Katz.

I am poor lost pupper, said his spaniel's eyes. Please adopt. Good pupper. Luv is luv.

For comment, we reached out to Renaissance playwright, atheist spy, and actual sodomite Christopher Marlowe. "Are they still using that word as a synonym for 'homosexual'? The practice, admittedly, was rather passe in the 1590s." Marlowe, currently living under an assumed name in France with his lover Thomas Walsingham after staging his death in 1593, admitted he had a soft spot for dogs and picked up Katz' pet. "Who is a good boy? Who is a very good boy? Who would like to fake his death and write the Shakespeare sonnets?"

Skills include paw and doing a snuggle, said the dog's eyes. I am good boy.

"You know," Katz mused, "the strippers should be here by now. And by strippers, I mean all the female physics students I've told to take up stripping."

THE END


AN: Despite Katz' seemingly unshakable tenure, there are people at WashU who love and support you no matter what. If you need someone to talk to:

WashU Pride Alliance

Uncle Joe's Peer Counseling and Resource Center

Bias Report and Support System

An "It Gets Better" essay by Isaac Katz, son of the above professor

"The Passionate Shepherd to his Love" by Christopher Marlowe


Cover Image Credit: HIPI Rainbow Flag Wallpaper

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I Went To "The Bachelor" Auditions

And here's why you won’t be seeing me on TV.
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It’s finally time to admit my guilty pleasure: I have always been a huge fan of The Bachelor.

I can readily admit that I’ve been a part of Bachelor fantasy leagues, watch parties, solo watching — you name it, I’ve gone the whole nine yards. While I will admit that the show can be incredibly trashy at times, something about it makes me want to watch it that much more. So when I found out that The Bachelor was holding auditions in Houston, I had to investigate.

While I never had the intention of actually auditioning, there was no way I would miss an opportunity to spend some time people watching and check out the filming location of one of my favorite TV shows.

The casting location of The Bachelor, The Downtown Aquarium in Houston, was less than two blocks away from my office. I assumed that I would easily be able to spot the audition line, secretly hoping that the endless line of people would beg the question: what fish could draw THAT big of a crowd?

As I trekked around the tanks full of aquatic creatures in my bright pink dress and heels (feeling somewhat silly for being in such nice clothes in an aquarium and being really proud of myself for somewhat looking the part), I realized that these auditions would be a lot harder to find than I thought.

Finally, I followed the scent of hairspray leading me up the elevator to the third floor of the aquarium.

The doors slid open. I found myself at the end of a large line of 20-something-year-old men and women and I could feel all eyes on me, their next competitor. I watched as one woman pulled out her travel sized hair curler, someone practiced answering interview questions with a companion, and a man (who was definitely a little too old to be the next bachelor) trying out his own pick-up lines on some of the women standing next to him.

I walked to the end of the line (trying to maintain my nonchalant attitude — I don’t want to find love on a TV show). As I looked around, I realized that one woman had not taken her eyes off of me. She batted her fake eyelashes and looked at her friend, mumbling something about the *grumble mumble* “girl in the pink dress.”

I felt a wave of insecurity as I looked down at my body, immediately beginning to recognize the minor flaws in my appearance.

The string hanging off my dress, the bruise on my ankle, the smudge of mascara I was sure I had on the left corner of my eye. I could feel myself begin to sweat. These women were all so gorgeous. Everyone’s hair was perfectly in place, their eyeliner was done flawlessly, and most of them looked like they had just walked off the runway. Obviously, I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I walked over to the couches and sat down. For someone who for the most part spent most of the two hours each Monday night mocking the cast, I was shocked by how much pressure and tension I felt in the room.

A cop, stationed outside the audition room, looked over at me. After a brief explanation that I was just there to watch, he smiled and offered me a tour around the audition space. I watched the lines of beautiful people walk in and out of the space, realizing that each and every one of these contestants to-be was fixated on their own flaws rather than actually worrying about “love.”

Being with all these people, I can see why it’s so easy to get sucked into the fantasy. Reality TV sells because it’s different than real life. And really, what girl wouldn’t like a rose?

Why was I so intimidated by these people? Reality TV is actually the biggest oxymoron. In real life, one person doesn’t get to call all the shots. Every night isn’t going to be in a helicopter looking over the south of France. A real relationship depends on more than the first impression.

The best part of being in a relationship is the reality. The best part about yourself isn’t your high heels. It’s not the perfect dress or the great pick-up lines. It’s being with the person that you can be real with. While I will always be a fan of The Bachelor franchise, this was a nice dose of reality. I think I’ll stick to my cheap sushi dates and getting caught in the rain.

But for anyone who wants to be on The Bachelor, let me just tell you: Your mom was right. There really are a lot of fish in the sea. Or at least at the aquarium.

Cover Image Credit: The Cut

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We're All Thinking It, I'm Saying It: Too Many People Are Running For President

I'm all for options, but man, do we really need 24? I mean, I can barely pick a flavor of ice cream at Baskin Robbins let alone a potential President.

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There are, currently, 23 Democrats running for President. On the Republican side, there's, of course, Trump, but only one other candidate, former Massachusetts governor Bill Weld. Democrats have a whole range of people running, from senators to congressmen, a former vice-president, and even a spiritual advisor. We can now say that there are DOZENS of people running for President in 2020.

Joe Biden has been leading the pack for quite some time now. He was even leading polls before he announced his campaign. Although he is the frontrunner, there really is no big favorite to win the nomination. Biden has been hovering around the mid-30s in most polls, with Bernie Sanders coming in second. Other minor candidates in the hunt are Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg, and Kamala Harris.

After the surprising defeat of Hillary Clinton in 2016, Democrats have become electrified and have a mission to take back the White House after winning back the House of Representatives in 2018. There are so many people running in 2020, it seems that it will be hard to focus on who is saying what and why someone believes in something, but in the end, there can only be one candidate. This is the most diverse group of candidates ever, several women are running, people of color, the first out gay candidate, and several more.

There could be a problem when it comes to debate time. I mean, the first debate is next month. Having around 20-plus people on stage at the same time, debating each other kinda sounds like a nightmare. How can someone get their point across in the right amount of time when someone else is going to cut them off? Debates are usually around an hour and a half. So, if you divide it up, each candidate would get just under five minutes to speak. That would be in a perfect world of course.

Democrats seriously believe that they can beat Trump in 2020. They say they have learned from the mistakes of 2016, and have the guts and the momentum to storm back into the White House. By July of next year, there will be only one candidate left. Will they be able to reconcile the divide during the primaries? We will see. It will surely be a fun election cycle, so make sure to have your popcorn ready and your ballot at hand to pick your favorite candidate, no matter what party you lean towards.

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