Content warning: contains actual quotes from Katz' essay.
ST. LOUIS: It was last semester that local scientist, WashU professor of physics, and "proud homophobe" Jonathan Katz decided that enough was enough. If he was just as proud to be a homophobe as LGBTQ+ students were to be queer, then why should they enjoy a monopoly on Pride Parades? The result of these meditations would become WashU's first Homophobe Pride Parade, a rip-roaring extravaganza of contrarian intolerance attended ultimately only by Katz and his extremely reluctant dog.
The affair, held on Brookings Quad, was reported to consist only of the tenured professor playing Monopoly against himself with a handful of Tostitos. Chancellor Mark Wrighton, next door in Brookings Hall, could be seen running frantically through the office, asking aides, "Can we fire him for this? Can we finally fire him for this?"
Meanwhile, Katz took the opportunity to read selections of his essay, "In Defense of Homophobia," over a microphone. "The Klan has blood on its hands, and anyone who joins must share the guilt. So, too, with the homosexual movement," he bellowed. His dog, looking extremely uncomfortable, attempted to whimper to an approaching tour group in hopes of being adopted.
"Guilt for their [heterosexuals'] deaths is on the hands of the homosexuals and intravenous drug abusers who poisoned the blood supply. These people died so the sodomites could feel good about themselves," continued Katz.
I am poor lost pupper, said his spaniel's eyes. Please adopt. Good pupper. Luv is luv.
For comment, we reached out to Renaissance playwright, atheist spy, and actual sodomite Christopher Marlowe. "Are they still using that word as a synonym for 'homosexual'? The practice, admittedly, was rather passe in the 1590s." Marlowe, currently living under an assumed name in France with his lover Thomas Walsingham after staging his death in 1593, admitted he had a soft spot for dogs and picked up Katz' pet. "Who is a good boy? Who is a very good boy? Who would like to fake his death and write the Shakespeare sonnets?"
Skills include paw and doing a snuggle, said the dog's eyes. I am good boy.
"You know," Katz mused, "the strippers should be here by now. And by strippers, I mean all the female physics students I've told to take up stripping."
THE END
AN: Despite Katz' seemingly unshakable tenure, there are people at WashU who love and support you no matter what. If you need someone to talk to:
Uncle Joe's Peer Counseling and Resource Center
Bias Report and Support System
An "It Gets Better" essay by Isaac Katz, son of the above professor
"The Passionate Shepherd to his Love" by Christopher Marlowe
