It started out wild, but never really calmed down. Instead, the wildness took on a different form. The chemistry that was felt anytime our lips touched was explosive, like dynamite. One simple push of a button could cause chaos and destruction. Nothing came, or went, easily. There was always an issue, something always went wrong. Constantly, there seemed to be something, or someone, standing in our way. I never noticed, until now, that there were a lot of “misunderstandings” between us. Mostly it was just me misunderstanding you and your devilish actions.

Underneath all the negativity, there was something magical. It was as if we had both found the other halves of our souls. The feeling of security and home surrounded us. The love and chemistry we had for each other was undeniable. We understood each other far more than anyone else could ever understand us. You accepted me, my flaws, my dreams, my fears, everything. I often daydreamed about us creating a life together and building a home for us and our future family. I could be the goofiest version of myself around you, but also be serious and have meaningful conversations with you. If I was feeling anxious or fearful about something, you were there to calm me down and remind me that things will be okay. You were always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. You never said no to a back scratch, especially if I was having a bad day. You knew I was more than the mistakes I had made in the past, and I knew that about you as well, that’s why we meshed so well together.

Things got messy, we got messy, and our lives got messy. We fell apart quicker than we had fallen together. We were toxic together. But, we couldn’t seem to pull ourselves away from each other. We were like an alcoholic taking a drink from their favorite liquor bottle. Once was never enough, we always came back for seconds, even thirds. It seemed easy for you to lie to me. You didn’t stutter or second guess yourself. Your lie was said with complete confidence and strength. I believed you too, I thought, he would never lie to me, we would never lie to each other. I eventually caught you in that lie. When I was told the truth I said, no it cannot be true, he wouldn’t lie to me, it must be a misunderstanding. I was told you had bragged about being with another girl. In front of my friends, in front of people I knew. I felt so stupid, I felt used. You denied it and swore on every grave that it wasn’t true. This time though, I didn’t believe you. I was filled with so much anger, regret, and sadness. I never wanted to speak to you again.

It was my birthday. It was an awful birthday, you weren’t there. I had told you I didn’t want to speak to you anymore, but that didn’t stop you from calling me. You yelled at me for not believing you, you said that it hurt that I thought you were lying. I didn’t give in, I stood my ground. That angered you even more. You proceeded to call me every name in the book. You told me that, “You were a waste of time”, “You are a whore”, and “You’re a bitch”. I was crushed. I heard the hatred in your voice when you spoke those words to me. They came out of your mouth so easily, there was no hesitation. Your words shot me down like a bullet going through a target.

I wasn’t perfect during our relationship and I thought, I made mistakes too, maybe I was half to blame for you lying to me. I loved you so much, I wanted us to work out, I wanted us to beat the odds and all the doubts people had against us. I gave you another chance because I had blamed myself for you lying to me. I thought maybe if I hadn’t hurt him he wouldn’t have felt the need to lie to me.

Everyone told me I was stupid for giving you another chance, that I was out of my mind for even considering it. I just loved you so much and I wasn’t ready to let go of the boy I had fallen in love with. I then thought about it and realized that he wasn’t the same boy I had fallen in love with several months earlier. He had turned into this monster that I did not know. That was the hardest part, realizing that I had fallen in love with a different person, he wasn’t that same person anymore. No matter how much I denied it, somewhere along the way you had changed into this different boy that I did not know anymore. I had fallen out of love with you. I had to let go of someone that was no longer there. He had changed so drastically. There were days where I had missed you so much, and I thought about all the good memories, and it made me incredibly sad to realize you were not that person anymore. That boy was gone, and letting go of that boy was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.

There were nights where I would lay in my bed feeling absolutely worthless. The words and names you called me would circle around in my mind and some nights I even believed the things you said to me. Your insecurities outweighed your love for me, and that’s where we had fallen apart. Going to school after you had graduated made things worse. I would walk around the same campus we had walked through and felt as though I was haunted by all the memories we had created here. It was a constant reminder that those memories would soon die with our relationship.

After some time, I had realized that I wasn’t worthless. I’m not a perfect person but, I never deliberately tried to hurt you, I had made mistakes. I had genuinely apologized for all of them and tried to make up for them. It was never enough though but, that’s ok. All those times you had hurt me you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew what you were doing when you went down to Baltimore to visit that girl, you knew what your intentions were, and you had planned it for weeks. You did it to boost your ego and your low self-esteem, something I had tried to fix but couldn’t. The sadness and hurt eventually lessened.

I learned that when someone puts you down or degrades your self-worth, that isn’t love. Love isn’t when your partner lies to you and then blames you for their dishonesty. Love isn’t when your significant other hooks up with another girl to try and erase his insecurities about himself. Love isn’t when your partner calls you on your birthday and tells you that “I should have never wasted so much time on you”. Love isn’t having your partner tell you that THEY deserve better than YOU, and that you’ll never find someone as good as them. Love isn’t receiving a text from your boyfriend saying, “I can get laid so much easier”. If “love” is making you feel as low as the dirt in the ground, then it isn’t love. No one deserves to feel as though they have to question if they are EVER good enough despite any mistakes they may have made. In Rupi Kaur’s book “Milk and Honey”, she writes:

"I had to leave

I was tired of

allowing you to

make me feel

anything less

than whole."