Alabama.

The south’s Wisconsin.

Alabama has a special election coming up in a few days to replace Jeff Sessions, whom is serving as either Attorney General, as Santa’s lead elf or both. All depends on whether or not he can recall wrapping Stewie’s trike in the proper color wrap.

Anyway, the replacement to fill the vacant Senate seat left by sessions comes down to Doug Jones and the remarks of this guy:

You heard that right: a candidate whose party was THE ORIGINAL advocates for the removal of slavery said that “America was great ‘during slavery.’” Roy Moore, former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Alabama and possible member of the Catholic Clergy, remembered the time when slavery was good for America during a rally he held in Florence.

His reasoning for this was because “families were stronger”, “they cared for one another”, and “our country had a direction”.

Yeah, they cared for each other. Tell that to the slaves, most of whom were ‘considered family’ by their slaveowners, who got more use of the whip than did the slave owners’ wives. No wonder the children back then hardly ever got sleep; they were likely confused on whether or not a slave broke a piece of cotton or the “slave” ‘broke the headboard.’

Anyways, this is not the first of Moore’s controversial statements. At that exact same rally, Moore had referred to Native Americans and Asian Americans as “Reds and Yellows”, respectively. Did he, as a child, get taught that Red and Yellow colors in the Crayola coloring box had misprints, and should have been labeled “Native American” and “Yellow”? I don’t know, I’m speculating! He is also famous for defending the Ten Commandments in a 2003 press conference.

The most telling of Moore’s previous comments came from a speech he gave at an event the Open Door Baptist Church:

Aside from the blatant disregard for the fact that religion and government SHOULD NOT MIX, he seems to imply that the attacks on September 11, 2001 were attributed directly to the fact that “kids disobey the law of the Lord.” I’m frequently sure the kids disobey the law of the Lord every night. What, you assume I meant masturbation? No, I meant sneaking off to play Call of Duty late at night on school nights. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, YOU PERVERTS.

If elected, Roy Moore will likely be swept up in the last round of perverts in the next round of what we like to call, “#Pervgate2k17”.

We can only hope that the orangutan-in-office is swept up with him.

Moving on to…

Life Comes At You Fast.