I am tired of your name showing up on my phone, knowing you just want to have sex with me rather than just hanging out with me. I am tired of being constantly used for someone else's pleasure while my own wants and needs are left unsatisified.
When it comes to relationships, I have never been the type to focus on someone's physical appearance. I have learned the hard way that someone may be considered attractive on the outside, but turn out to be ugly on the inside, where it truly matters. To want to commit my time and affection to someone, I want to know what they are like personality wise and what makes them unique rather if they have green eyes or are brunette.
Two weeks ago, I was thrift shopping with a few friends near South Philadelphia. We were talking about how, today, everyone seems to be wrapped around the idea of hooking up with someone 24/7. I have begun to notice just how true this is. For instance, there are moments where I have found myself talking to someone, with the intentions of just hanging out and getting to know them better, but their primary focus is on sex.
I mean, society has turned my version of Netflix and Chill, where I would be satisfied ordering pizza and binge watching "The Office" into hooking up with someone with Netflix maybe being a background noise. It might just be an American thing, but the whole concept that having sex triumphs genuine connections blows my mind.
I guess I am also tired of it all, as well. I am tired of guys messaging me, complimenting me on my smile and acting like they want to get to know me better, which I fall for thinking oh this guy will be different. However, they aren't, and pulled off this 180 where they talk about how I should come over to wherever they are to conduct oral sex just based off my so-called "amazing smile." It becomes misleading when I am trying to find someone worth committing a relationship to when all they think about is sex.
What happened to getting to know someone's interests and building a relationship off of that? I've always wanted to date someone who I can learn from and grow with while sharing different memories from different activities and memories we share that form the concrete of our relationship. This new age of communication just focused on getting someone into your bed as left me only feeling like some sort of sex toy lately.
The entertainment industry has pushed this idea that college students are always partying and drinking. Our "body count" is meant to be bigger than our own aspirations sometimes just for bragging rights. College is this new chapter in our lives filled with experimentation especially involving our sexual orientation and history. What is the point of hooking up with someone, and even more when you are drunk, if you don't remember it?
I am not saying that people who live this certain lifestyle are wrong by any means, but I don't get the point. What is so amazing about hooking up with a stranger just for experience? Even now, with different dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble, people are finding easier ways to just hook up. Along those lines, I am sure thousands of others will agree with me, but I am sick of random guys sending dick pictures via Snapchat as if that is going to make me want to get with you.
Oppositely, if you are not having considered sex, there is something wrong with you. Not everyone wants to have sex all the time, and god forbid you voice that opinion.
Some may argue that having sexual intimacy is key component to a healthy relationship. I agree because sex has to mean something, in my opinion. I like knowing that even when I make myself that vulnerable to someone, the feeling is mutual. I believe sex is meant to have some sort of emotion behind it rather than just lust.
Maybe this also comes down to just who I am as a person. Like anyone I get the point of sex. Yet, I sometimes fall for the people I find myself in situations when the feelings aren't reciprocated. That is my fault as person. I get overly attached and hope for some sort of relationship, not heavily concentrated on sex, to somehow become created, that they are not this sex-hungry person they protray themselves to be.
I want to get to know the person rather than just their sexual preferences. And even then, when I express this desire, sometimes they go along with how I'm feeling and how open I am with my emotions to play them just so we can hook up again. I feel used and empty, and most certainly, lonely. Why has it become acceptable to play with the vulnerability of a person who is willing to get that intimate and person and never speak again?
It might just be I am old fashioned, I guess? I have always seen myself falling for someone who has a similar music taste as I do or sharing whatever passion. I want to get to know that person, their faults and strengths, just like they would from me. I want something that feels more real rather than just sex. I am tired of feeling empty and used, and I'm ready for someone to make me feel worth while again.
I know that is also one reason for why I have not been in a relationship for the past three years. I never wanted to settle for someone when their interests don't match up with my own. Yes, I have standards, but that doesn't make me stubborn either. I know I am worth it, and I have hope someone will come along who is everything I want from a partner.
I just feel like I am looking in the wrong place, at the moment, which is the most frustrating thing I have ever done. I am hoping and wishing for people to become my ideal partner or who might be my soulmate in the wrong person who will never change.
No matter how hard I wish. I find myself, even more, investing all my time and energy into keeping these people satisified so they just do not get up and leave. I have high hopes things might eventually work out in my favor, no matter how unrealisitic that might be.
