**DISCLAIMER: This is a parody assignment from my writing class in college. This is by NO MEANS what I actually seek in a relationship; it's based off of stereotypes and misconceptions. I got good feedback from my classmates and I decided to publish. I understand that it's controversial and please remember while reading that I do not support toxic relationships like those listed below. This is simply me parodying Judy Brody's essay I Want A Wife.**

While I don’t belong to the classification of people known as boyfriends, I know many people who are Boyfriends, or have Boyfriends. A recent friend of mine just lost her boyfriend, and upon her telling me about her loss, I found myself thinking to myself, “I want a boyfriend.” Why do I want a boyfriend?

I would like to pursue a career that is very important to me, but requires a lot of schooling in order to acquire the degrees I need to partake in that profession. I want a boyfriend who is going to just barely support me through my many years of school and barely help out with the chores around the apartment while I complete my studies and leaves me to do most of them. And, when I am bogged down with writing my thesis and dissertation, I want a boyfriend who is going to pretend to be my sounding board for my ideas and tell me whether or not they’re crap ideas based on the few pieces of information that he heard. I want a boyfriend who is reluctantly willing to support my part of the rent while I’m only working a part-time job since I haven’t yet started my career and don’t make a steady income.

I want a boyfriend who won’t bring me lunch when I’m stuck at school all day and don’t have time to get food for myself. I want a boyfriend who doesn’t know what I want even though I tell him over and over again that I’d like for him to help out with this or that in order to make both of our lives easier.

I want a boyfriend who won’t tell me about his problems because he thinks that I have too much going on in my life at the moment and can’t focus on other issues, even though I want to know about his life, too. I want a boyfriend who will sit back and pretend to listen to me complain about the things that trouble me.

When we become intimate, I want my boyfriend to take control in the bedroom and seek pleasure for himself and himself alone. If I’m uncomfortable with something, I want a boyfriend to say he understands but still does it anyway, because “maybe I’ll change my mind.” I want a boyfriend who makes me feel submissive in the bedroom because it’s “his night for pleasure” and I have to fulfil his desires. And, if I have any sexual desires, I want a boyfriend who will only fulfil them maybe once in a blue moon because the man gets to have his way with me. I want a boyfriend who will put his needs in front of mine in the bedroom to show his masculinity.

I want a boyfriend who knows that he’s the man of the house and reminds me of that every day. I want a boyfriend who will barely take care of me when I’m sick but expect me to dote on him the moment he coughs, or refuse my care because “he’s a man and can fend for himself.”

I want a boyfriend who will tell me he’s going to do something for me just because he thinks that it’s what I want to hear. If my boyfriend finds another woman, I want him to keep me in the dark for a while and make the relationship miserable so that I’ll want to break up with him anyways so he can be with this new woman. And, if I find a better boyfriend, I want my boyfriend to suddenly man up and do the things he’s supposed to do so that he can keep me around a little while longer before barely trying again.

If we fight, I want a boyfriend who will make me feel like I’m the cause for all of our fighting. I want a boyfriend who will barely try to put the effort into the relationship because he’s “not emotional.” If there’s a problem with communication, I want a boyfriend who’s going to stop talking as much before saying that he wants space because it’s much simpler than just telling me that I was overwhelming him. I want a boyfriend who just ups and leaves when things get rough and leaves me behind in pieces to figure out what I did wrong. I want a boyfriend who makes me do things that I don’t necessarily want to do and makes me feel that if I don’t perform like he wants me to, he’ll leave me, and then do exactly that when I stand up for myself.

My god, who wouldn’t want a boyfriend?