I don’t believe in #WalkUpNotOut. I’ve been seeing a lot of these posts on Facebook lately, usually by adults, usually accompanied by some unbridled criticism about the efforts of students to bring more attention to issues surrounding gun control.
Do I believe that the walk out was the right action? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. That's irrelevant to the larger issue. I do know that it’s a bit unreasonable to bash kids who are standing up for something that (whether or not you agree with the cause) they feel strongly for, and for that I admire them.
I don’t have a good answer or solution to the issues we face as a society today. But I do know that placing the guilt and blame on children, by telling them it’s their fault if one of these tragedies occurs because they didn’t want to befriend somebody, is not only wrong, but morally reprehensible.
Maybe I feel so strongly about this because I’ve been in toxic relationships - romantic or otherwise - that took a toll on my own mental health because I was scared of what the repercussions might be. I am fortunate to have a strong support system of healthy relationships that helped me navigate these relationships and ultimately cut off the people who needed to be cut off. I am also a relatively functional and reasonable adult. I am not a child being guilted into being someone’s friend.
Because the cold, harsh reality is that you are not obligated to be anyone’s friend. You are not required to be friends or enter into relationships of any sort if you don’t want to. And you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions as a result of that.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t always strive to be nice or kind to people, but you are simply not required to befriend anybody you don’t want to. Healthy relationships of any sort should be built on enthusiastic participation from both parties, not on a feeling of guilt or shame or responsibility.
By all means, teach your children (and remind yourself) to be kind. Be polite to the cashier, tip your barista, be cordial when having to interact with somebody you might not be completely fond of. Be kind, when possible. Be nice, when necessary.
But remember that even though you should strive for kindness, not everybody deserves your niceness. If somebody is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you don’t owe them anything. Your health and safety is the first priority. Would it be wonderful if everybody could get along and all be friends? Certainly, but this is simply unrealistic. Not everybody you meet will want to be your friend, just as you will not want to be everybody’s friend. Not every situation will be safe or healthy for you to be in.
Guilting children into being friends with someone they might not want to be friends with only encourages children to develop unhealthy relationships. This could lead to them entering into abusive relationships later in life, or staying in situations that could prove to be unhealthy or toxic or dangerous out of a sense of guilt or responsibility.
#WalkUpNotOut is not only misguided, but also dangerous. Teach your children to be kind, and to put their own mental health and safety first. Don’t give them a savior complex that could ultimately lead to their destruction.
