Wait For The One Who Sees You

He'll see you with frizzy hair, flustered, and sometimes broken. But he'll still see you.

In my own sad girl story (don't be bashful, we all have them) I was depressed, vulnerable and pitied myself. I was in the wild phase of my life. My fingers were constantly speed swiping on Tinder and other various dating sites. I didn't need a chaser with my liquor anymore. I was living with the motto "Use, Abuse, and Lose". I was out for the thrill of being young and away from home. I ignored my responsibilities but always RSVP'd for the parties being thrown by people who didn't really care about me but I so desperately wanted to believe were my friends. I was going on dates with this guy, that guy, what's his name, and the unsaved number who thought he was worth a saved contact. That was my problem though. I thought the whole world was out to wreck me so I was determined to wreck me first. The boys wanted dates, the girls wanted drinking buddies, we all wanted someone to bum a cigarette from.

I had lost all of my self-love and thrived off what others thought of me. If the cute boy at the party wanted to exchange numbers I felt invincible. If the pretty girls invited me to shop I felt like I was worth something. When my mom called me worried because she hadn't heard from me in three days I convinced myself that I was just busy living my life. What I was really doing was looking for something, anything at all that would make me feel loved, valued, and like I belonged.

On a gloomy November afternoon I drove myself to the beach in order to meet up with some random guy I'd been texting for two whole days for a date. He was a real catch, let me tell you. Handsome, smooth, egotistical, self-absorbed, the whole shebang! The emotionally-unavailable-aholic girl was ecstatic. I showed up to our agreed meet up spot when he so conveniently texted me that he had to cancel, something with work had come up. It could have been a lie, it very well could have been the truth. I was numb to being stood up. On to the next one was where my train of thought lead. But instead of driving 30 minutes back home I decided to walk on the beach. It was cold, the sky was grey, the beach was nearly deserted. A cliche to how I was feeling on the inside, it called to me. So I walked. I wasn't dressed for the sand, in tall riding boots and leggings with a sweater I was stumbling trying to catch my footing and even fell on my ass. But I got up and kept walking. That's when I heard him scream out "Miss! Excuse me miss!"

His name was Josh, he said he had seen me from his gift shop on the board walk and needed to come talk to me. Needed to talk to me? This was going to be good. And to my disbelief it was. He said that I was absolutely beautiful, and that he would have kicked himself if he hadn't taken his chance to talk to me. Still, with my guards up, I told him I wasn't interested in a date. And he was okay with that. So instead of asking me for my phone number, he asked me about my day. I lied, said I just needed some fresh air and what better place to go than the shore? I could have told him I had been stood up, but stayed by the water because the monochrome world around me reflected how I felt inside. Something tells me that even if i had told him the truth, he still would have listened just as intently as he was to my bullshit. We ended up talking for about an hour when he realized he had seriously run out of work to speak to me. So we parted ways never to meet again. But right before we were out of ear shot of one another he turned and yelled back "I'm so glad I saw you!"

No, this isn't a made for TV movie about how a sad girl meets the nice guy by chance or fate or luck. But it did resonate with this sad girl, because for the first time in a long time, someone saw me. He didn't see the Tinder bio or the strategically angled selfies. He didn't see me from across the dimly lit bar after he was already a couple drinks in. He saw me. No fancy dress, no perfectly laid hair, no smile in sight. Completely off guard and unaware, he saw me and thought I was beautiful. He saw me and wanted to talk to me and know my name and know about my day.

A few years have passed since that cold day on the beach, but I still think about Josh and how his sincerity altered me.

Girls, wait for the man who sees you.

The one who sees you full glam and is at a loss for words, but also sees you congested and pale with a cold but still sees the work of art you are. The one who sees how calm and collected you can be, but also see's you when your anxiety is at an all time high and you can't seem to get it together. The man who is worth your love is going to be the one who sees your scars, stories and baggage but wants to stay. The man who is worth it all is the one who see's the way your forehead creases when you laugh really hard, the way you don't ever seem to wear matching socks, how that one movie always makes you ugly cry, your overly enthusiastic excitement when your favorite song comes on the radio in the car and you sing your heart out, and the one who see's you cry cause you miss your momma or your best friend.

He's going to see you happy, sad, frustrated, easy going, hyped and cranky.

And he's going to be the love of your life, because through it all he just see's you.