I grew up in the church. I was in student leadership, I taught sunday school -- I was the church’s biggest advocate. I grew up in the same church my entire life, and love that church for what it has done for me. But now, I have my own church, that my parents didn't choose, that I have no relationship to except for me showing up on Sundays. I love my new church. I go every Sunday that I can. My best friend and I get in the car, stop by Starbucks, and walk into church with our coffee in hand. I love it. The church is a good thing.

That is why my college experience has been so trying. College is stereotypically known for being the time you find yourself, where your beliefs are either solidified, or completely disproven. As I have sat through class after class, and church service after church service, I have been challenged and stretched in every way I could imagine. My faith is strong, this article isn’t going to tell you that I all of a sudden woke up and decided to walk away from my Lord and Savior, but it is going to tell you what is going on with me, what has been pressing on my heart.

Today, I sat in my Core 2000 class (called “The Christian, the University, and the World”) listening to a science professor tell us what truth is and how he rectifies the ultimate truth with his field. This professor said to us, a room of forty impressionable college students that it’s okay to question what we were taught by our parents and what our church told us growing up. What? Yeah, you read that right, my small Christian school pays a professor who told us to challenge what we grew up learning from our church. This statement came from his experience in college while he pursued a typically tabooed career in the Christian faith. He reconciled science and the theory of evolution with his faith.

While my church growing up didn’t really talk about the theory of evolution, the church did teach me certain things. This guest professor said at some point in his lecture that “at some point we’re gonna have to loosen the grip on what our parent and church taught us.” I realized that I have done this, but I could do it more. I have certain things that I grew up believing that I hold so tight to that I can’t see what other views are being blocked out. I believed that church could never make a mistake, that you aren’t supposed to call them out if you aren’ vibing with what they’re saying, that you cannot disagree with anything the church says. But, it is led by humans which means that it is an imperfect institution, no matter how much I wanted to believe it wasn’t. Recently, I have had certain people I respect come to me and ask me to not say certain things because they shine an unhealthy light on the church, or show too real of a story. I love the church and all that comes with it, don’t get me wrong, but as I have gone through college on my own, I have had things challenged that make me wonder... What if I went to a different church, or had different parents or friends or influences? Would I believe what I believe? Do I really believe that what I wear is to blame for men faltering in their faith, or is that something that has been fed to me since I was in elementary school? Do I believe that evolution is one hundred percent from Satan, or is that an overused cliche against the science world? Is it okay to ask someone to leave the church, and not welcome them back? Are any of my views my own, or have I been so influenced by those around me, by people that I believed were in power in a perfect institution?

Is the church wrong for teaching me certain things? No. I fully understand why they teach what they teach, and I agree with a lot of it, but going away to college has given me the space to question what I needed to. Like many other cliche college students, I moved away and struggled to find a church that fit with all my views, or that I believed would support my views. I love the church, but because it is a man made institution, it cannot be perfect no matter how much I want it to be. My time away from home has taught me that. The guest professor in my class reminded me that “we are double missionaries, first to the nonbelievers, and then back to the church.” When we minister to nonbelievers we are challenged, the way the church raised us is challenged, and we come to view God differently because of this. But, if we treat people differently because we want to fit in with the imperfections of the church, we are not acting in a way that honors God, we are acting in a way that honors the imperfect institution that so many people are turned off by. We are called to go. But we are also called to come back because it is the only way the church can fully understand how the the world is off put by it. The world can only learn to be a light in the darkness of the world if we return and tell it what is hiding in the shadows. It is the only way we can let the church know how our views have been challenged and changed. THe church doesn’t need to change with the world, but it does need to be aware of how the world is changing. My beliefs have been challenged, and stretched to the point of pain. My faith hasn’t changed because of this. If anything, it has been reassured because of the way my beliefs are being pushed to the limit. I love the church, I love where I grew up in my faith and am still growing, but I am coming to realize that it is not the perfect shiny fortress I once thought it was.