I think in the past I've mentioned my love for steak, and other meats. They're just so good, they complete my life and my desire to live, I think.

Steak, steak, steak! Honestly, it is America’s fuel; aside from oil, that is, and it must be protected at all costs. A new trend has recently steered Americans from consuming animal products because they're “bad for the earth.”

Vegans.

You probably know one. You know “the purest form of the human race” or the people that believe their poop doesn't stink because they refrain from eating animal products. In all actuality, these people may be happier being vegans, and that's fine; if they don't like animal products, that's totally fine, just don't believe you're Jesus Christ for doing it.

Vegans are also hypocrites! They say that my steak consumption wastes water, which may be true because cattle must be nurtured and grass must be irrigated, but have you ever thought of all the water and grass vegans consume? Their diet contains a lot of grass in it. And don't even get me started on water, they drink so much of that crap and it disgusts me. That's a fish’s home, and they guzzle it as if no animal lived there. I think soda is a much better alternative.

Raising cattle does NOT waste water. The law of conservation of mass states: mass in an isolated system is neither created nor destroyed by chemical reactions or physical transformations. For you non-science people, that basically means that all the matter in the world has been here and will always be here; this includes water. Maybe someone has told you the saying “today's water is dinosaur pee,” which is very true, so tell me again how I'm wasting water with eating a COW.

To break it down, according to vegans: Drinking water = good, not wasting it, and

Cow + stomach = WASTING A LOT OF WATER.

All I am is a concerned citizen who worries about the future of the planet. With these 21st century weirdo hippy vegans running around, we will soon have no forests. All they eat is grass, trees, and flowers. It's disgusting. The lack of protein makes these opponents weak against us carnivores. That ensures victory on mine, and the majority of America’s part. Plus, you're not a real Bernie Sanders supporter if you're vegan; he's a hunting man who loves steak.

The Amazon is going away thanks to vegans. They have expanded their reach from North America all the way down to Brazil to eat their trees and grasses. There was actually a case of a vegan man who was bitten by a snake in the depths of the amazon. When rescued he refused to take the corresponding antivenom because it was an “animal product” (antivenom is made using a snake’s original venom). This could be an early case of natural selection, and out in the streets it's "eat or be eaten." I don't know about vegans, but I'd rather eat. I mean, if you take that saying literally, vegans would only be able to eat plants, thus putting them over plants only on the food chain. Which means meat eaters are above them, meaning that meat eaters run the world.

Let's get away from the satire and talk about the real reason vegans suck, though. Okay you're a vegan, we get it. You're not special and you're not unique; there are plenty of people like you. Just because I do not choose to follow your sad lifestyle does not mean I am evil, unhealthy, or stupid. I do not have heart problems, yes I like meat a lot, truly. I eat a steak damn near raw, you cannot tell me I am not a cannibal. If it makes you mad, too bad, it's America and I can eat whatever I please. There is no real reason to try to make people feel bad for doing what they want; they don't live to please you. Don't believe everything you hear. Meat couldn't be THAT bad for you; Okinawa has the highest life expectancy in the world, and their diet includes a rather large proportion of fish. Crazy right?

Remember this vegans, I still love you! If you choose to not eat animal products, good on you! Just please don't press me about it; I swear, sometimes you're worse than the feminists. Keep eating grass and fish homes, and remember that this is America. Much love.

‘Merica