Satire On Odyssey: A Vampire's Request To Humanity
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For hundreds of years, that damned Sun has discriminated against us. The intentional light that it shines off, the painful blisters that it causes. We, as our own defined class in humanity, the vampires, have decided to take drastic measures for this drastic offense to our kind.

The years we have spent locked inside, hidden in coffins to avoid the gaze of this giant omnipotent ball. Even when the Sun leaves, the Moon shines, too. It mimics and mocks the Sun to only condemn us from our existence.

Are we not allowed to coexist? Us and humanity? I know that I may have to pick out a few of you for your life force, but this is a necessary sacrifice that I am willing to make. We need to accept each other for our differences, and to have a perfect society, we need vampires to stalk in the night to live amongst the rest of this human race. For years, we have been persecuted for "being creepy" or even because we murder and suck the blood of virgins while they sleep. I will neither confirm nor deny these allegations.

I have had hundreds of years of contemplating at the bottom of the ocean. I remember how they all looked at me and were frightened of me. I mean no harm, but to survive, I must take one of your healthiest specimen's blood. I prefer type O-, but any blood type will do, except for blood type AB.

This is our only chance for a truly inclusive society. Our needs have been ignored for too long. The vampires demand reparations for the damage done to us. The first task for mankind to complete is to blow up the Sun. I hope that the leaders of the world will hear this plea and graciously complete this task. The Sun is overrated anyway. What do we need the Sun for? It only hurts our pale, fragile skin when exposed. If this oppressive force from the sky is defeated, we vampires will feel a lot more comfortable assimilating in today's world.

The second task for humanity to complete is to create blood farms all over the world. These farms will provide the freshest, juiciest virgins to us vampires who need it. While there are talks about the ethics of such an establishment, I feel as if it is best to farm humans for the entirety of the vampire race. Look at it this way - if there are no blood distributors to us vampires, then we would likely eat someone that you love or care about. To prevent this senseless loss of life, we need to have farms that provide an expendable source of humans that no one can become attached to.

Our final request for us to forgive humanity is for them to erase and destroy any works of media that depict vampires in a negative light. This includes media such as "Dracula," "Frankenstein," "Twilight," and many more. I included "Frankenstein" since we vampires would like to pave the way for humanity to accept other cryptids into their way of life and in society. While the subjects and content of these movies MAY be true, it is very damning to our reputation if we are to seek a job or a friend. Of course, there are a lot more works that depict us in a negative light, but we shall work through negotiations later to determine which pieces of media need to be erased.

I started this plea with how exposure to the Sun is harmful to us vampires. This was meant to elicit sympathy from you humans, which is something that I am told that humans like. Our culture runs deep within today's society, and we are not given the proper credit that we deserve. Humans are not so different from vampires; the only thing that separates us is the need for the blood of virgins. I hope world leaders can read this and understand our viewpoint, and may we come together in peace.

Thank you for reading, and I await your response,

Sincerely, Lucius Vampierre, the speaker of vampire kind.

P.S: If you do NOT submit to our claims, the Rapture will happen 10 years early. You have 10 days.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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