Are you, like many newly single people, bitter about Valentine’s Day? Does the stench of love make you sick? Don’t worry, me too. My girlfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago and man, am I bitter. So bitter that I’m writing an article about it. If you’re like me, you’re bitter, as well. Let us bitter, broken-up-with souls band together and make the most of this disgusting holiday.
I bet you’re now thinking, “What am I supposed to do on Valentine’s Day?” Well, instead of spending the day aimlessly stalking your ex’s social media and crying, I have something better for you. We can sail through this sea of bitterness together.
1. Eat your emotions
Did you plan the perfect date for you and your former significant other? Did that plan involve food? Don’t let that plan go to waste! You were excited for that meal, go eat it! Order that food to go and eat that five-star, four-course meal yourself at home in front of the TV (don't forget the sweats!). Sure, it isn’t as good as spending it with your former significant other, but you can spend it with your real friends: Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. They understand you. They'll never leave you. (And if you do, you have no one to blame but Netflix.)
2. Listen to Taylor Swift
Have you been broken up with? Cool, Taylor Swift has, too. Many times. So many times that she wrote multiple albums about it. There’s a reason she’s won so many Grammys. It’s because she’s bitter, just like us. Download her albums, crank that shit 'til your ears bleed, and share in her bitterness while dancing around your living room like a lunatic.
3. Feel your ex’s love again, but "bitter" style
Do you miss the warmth of your ex’s love? Be independent and warm yourself with the wrath you feel towards your former significant other. Better yet, print out your old pictures and burn them. That way you may feel the warmth of your ex, but in a different form. The warmth of a hot, crackling fire destroying the evidence of your past happiness.
4. Treat yo' self
TREAT YO SELF DAY 2016! Since you were going to spend so much money on your significant other, might as well just spend it on yourself instead and TREAT YO' SELF. WANT TO BEDAZZLE YOU ELBOW?! TREAT YO' SELF. WANT ICE CREAM?! TREAT YO' SELF. WANNA CRY ALL DAY?! TREAT YO' SELF.
TREAT YO' SELF.
TREAT YO' SELF TO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
And have a lovely Valentine's Day—aka the world's worst holiday. Ever.
