Are you living in a world where everything thing is "bloody stupid" and "nobody knows what they're talking about?"
Are your kids always scoring 98% and never telling you where that remaining 2% went?
And is every single store, restaurant, and political figure "corrupt"?
Well.
Look no further and come to ConditionalLove, a perfect utopia for Indian men of all shapes and sizes! Dads, uncles, distant family members who appear at your house for no reason and men with creepy mustaches are ALL allowed.
Here, you can do everything you have always wished to do! I mean, we'll get someone to do everything you've always dreamed to do, just like you're used to.
Just visit subMISSive, a store where you can buy women to do any kind of your bidding, since apparently, that's all you see women as being capable of.
Their tasks include making you food, choosing your clothes, and completing every other task you can very well do yourself but don't because you have the option of someone else doing it for you.
They just can't feed you haha, that's why you have your Mummy ji.
She comes with a NEVER BEFORE SEEN FEATURE called the "Call To Home" button. This allows her to drop everything she's currently doing at the moment and rush to your aid or defense.
How revolutionary.
Here, in this utopian society, there's no one to tell you that you're w-r-o-n-g. We don't like using that word because it doesn't really exist here. Nobody to challenge your authority. Because you're always right. Always.
No lousy children that "justify their actions" or "have an opinion" because that's just an excuse for talking back and defying you.
An opinion? From a child?
Haha.
Those don't exist.
As you walk through the streets early in the morning, the aroma of hot chai floats through the air around you. Our chai, available 24/7, is served along with biscuits that look like tea coasters and taste too healthy for you.
The morning radio plays old songs that probably made you depressed at the age of five and are constantly interrupted by uncles telling the same stories of their childhood again and again. Morning news covers the information you read on various WhatsApp posts because those are ALWAYS true.
So yes, drinking turmeric and cardamom in hot water exactly five minutes before sunrise will cure cancer.
Dress shops only carry dress shirts in various shades of white and blue and old chappals. Each shirt comes with a "I'm #1" pin because every Indian man likes to believe they're superior to every other single person on the planet.
Because, of course. They are.
The economy is crumbling but nobody cares because everything is on sale, including the respect of women which has lowered down to the price of almost nothing.
And lucky for the men, there are no children here.
No children, no disappointments and no one to disown!
You get ownership of everything because Indian men love to think they're the King Midas of entitlement.
And after a long day of playing cards, watching the news and causing an earthquake because you sneezed, you get to come home to a cozy house with your picture lining every blank space on the wall
Because, of course, it's always about you.
Whether it's your life or not, every situation revolves around what you think about it. Your opinion is what makes the world go around and helps this utopia run smoother.
So if you're interested, please give me a call on 1800-MIS-OGYNY and make sure to get frustrated if I don't pick up in half a ring.
Note: I know not all Indian men or dads are like this. Despite how much we love our uncles and fathers, there happens to be a way me in the generations before us idolize themselves which still appears today. There are some rare snowflakes out there and the youth is actually making up for half of the older generations mistakes but this is a satire. So just laugh along.
