I think it goes without saying that long term, committed relationships require dedication, work and a lot of patience. In previous articles, I’ve made it pretty clear that my life has been blessed with at least three couples who have so graciously showed me how successful relationships work. However, growing up, I struggled with putting expectations on my partner that were impossible to reach.

I believe that everyone at one point in their life has truly expected the world from their partner. My immature self is absolutely guilty of expecting someone to give me what I want just because we were in a relationship. If I didn’t get my way, I would honestly become a brat until we either started arguing or I got my way. I am not proud of the expectations I had in former relationships, but it goes to show just how different your relationship can be when you make the realization that not everything revolves around your individual wants and needs.

My relationship with Zach is not always “rainbows and butterflies” to quote Maroon 5. In the beginning, and even sometimes now, I would get petty and upset if we didn’t agree on things. However, the difference between my immature ways and now is the fact that I acknowledge my ridiculous actions and I understand how stupid I sound. Zach is the first person to call me on my actions when I start to blow things out of proportion. I definitely don’t tell him enough, but I appreciate the fact that he brings me back to planet earth when I’m already half way to Mars with outrageous expectations.

Another negative expectation I used to have is the belief that the best way to show someone that you love them is to be around them all the time. When I started dating Zach, my insecurities would lead me to believe that if he didn’t want to come over after work, there was something wrong in our relationship. What I’ve learned after being with Zach for two and a half years is that you don’t need to be up each other’s butts constantly in order to know that they still love you. Often these thoughts are brought about by our own insecurities that we frequently project onto our partners which is completely unfair.

Part of being in a loving, adult relationship is the ability to have your own interests outside of your relationship. I was at a wedding over the weekend and I was moved by a quote that was shared. “Love one another, but make not a bond of love; Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another your bread, but not eat from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone…And stand together yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” (Kahlil Gibran) A relationship can not grow to be strong if you’re constantly together. It is healthy and encouraged to have friends and hobbies outside of your significant other. Sometimes you’re squeezing so tight thinking you’re showing them love, but really you’re smothering their chance to grow.

You must learn to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you. This statement does not mean others are incapable of loving you if you don’t value yourself, but rather you are less willing to accept their love and affection if you can’t find it on your own. I am so fortunate to have a partner who is so supportive of my dreams and aspirations. Zach isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m overthinking things, but he’s the first person to catch me when I fall. I believe our relationship has evolved so much over the last few years and I can’t wait to see how we continue to grow.