Understanding Someone With Abandonment Issues

Understanding Someone With Abandonment Issues

An informative confession from someone who is scared to let people in.

More likely than not, someone in your life was deeply hurt by people in their past, which has made them an extremely guarded individual. This friend/significant other/family member of yours, though you may not know what happened to them, shows signs of insecurity and neediness when it comes to relationships. They may have mentioned or even joked about how they are worried that at any moment, you will become uninterested and leave them. You may think to yourself, “Why? I have given them no reason to think I would ever hurt them. Why can't they just trust me?” You have to try to understand, if they could trust you, they would. You must know, in classic break-up line fashion, it's not actually about you at all. Truthfully, this person was hurt so badly in the past by someone who was supposed to be in their life forever, that they find it difficult to let people in now.

Though they are aware that their constant fear of being left is not the fault of those who are still in their lives, letting go of the paranoia of abandonment is not an easy task.

But! This piece isn't meant to make everyone all down in the dumps. Several ways exist to help your friend realize you aren't going anywhere.

It is important to realize people who have been abandoned have most assuredly been lied to at some point in their lives. Some people are told: “I'll always love you, no matter what.” or “Nothing you do will make me love you any less.” Then, something happens and that comforting statement becomes a lie. As a result, that person is left out in the cold, deserted by the ones who promised they would always be there for them.

Take note: trust is a huge thing for someone with abandonment issues to give you! If you say words like “I love you,” and they pull away, don't say it back, or get a weird look on their face, it's not because they don't love you in return. It is because they don't believe you. As frustrating as it may be, in order for someone who has been abandoned to drop their guard and let you in, you need to be persistent. If this is a worthwhile relationship and you want to make it work, then the person you're pursuing is going to need constant reassurance of your feelings. You're going to have to prove you value them and care for them. It won’t work to simply just say reassuring statements once or twice and then move on. They need to see that they can trust you. You need to show them that they can trust you.

I know this can be an extremely taxing strain on the relationship, but it takes time for someone with trust issues to believe anything you say. Remember, they may have been told their entire lives by someone they cherished that they would always be loved, and then the person making the promises left them.

Validating the opinion of your friend is a huge step in the right direction. Occasionally, tell them things you like about them. What do they do that makes you smile? What do they do that gives them worth? What value and benefits do they bring to your life? Let them know. Don't just assume they know. If they don't hear from you, they aren't going to hear it from anyone. If they aren't validated by you, they will question the relationship and most likely leave it prematurely because they thought you just didn't care.

If there is one thing people with abandonment issues are good at, though, it's leaving people. This statement sounds ironic, but since this person has been so scarred by their past, they are extremely guarded and good at not letting people see the real them. If you are at the beginning stages of a relationship with an abandoned person, then you know how hard it is to get their guard down.

This person has been extremely hurt before, and they don't want to be hurt again. If your relationship is rocky, they will pull away out of fear of being left. In some cases, they pull away first so they can be the ones in control of the relationship because they have never felt in control of what happened to them in the past. Or if you two do split apart for some reason, and you think they are taking it well, it could be that they are hiding their hurt, or that they just never let themselves get close to you. People with abandonment issues want nothing more than to feel close to those they love, but they also have a fortress around them that only allows certain people in after ample time and effort.

People with abandonment issues despise being vulnerable. Just keep that in mind when it comes time to talk about the past. You may willingly give lots of information about your life story; they may not. In some cases, being left is a huge part of their past and the painful topic is difficult for them to talk about with anyone. Be understanding and loving, and eventually they'll tell you their story.

I know this hasn't been the most uplifting of articles, but I'm hoping it helps you understand your friends and loved ones around you. They do want to love you, to show their love in return and to let you in, but they struggle with these actions. This is something you're going to have to deal with and be patient about. Be extremely patient! Because once you become a friend of someone with abandonment issues, and they trust you enough to let you in, you have made a friend for life. A friend who will stick by your side until the end. Trust me, it's worth the work to get to know someone who will truly love you for who you are and never leave.

Cover Image Credit: Richard Carter Allen

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When You Give A Girl A Dad

You give her everything

They say that any male can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad. That dads are just the people that created the child, so to speak, but rather, dads raise their children to be the best they can be. Further, when you give a little girl a dad, you give her much more than a father; you give her the world in one man.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a rock.

Life is tough, and life is constantly changing directions and route. In a world that's never not moving, a girl needs something stable. She needs something that won't let her be alone; someone that's going to be there when life is going great, and someone who is going to be there for her when life is everything but ideal. Dads don't give up on this daughters, they never will.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a role model.

If we never had someone to look up to, we would never have someone to strive to be. When you give a little girl someone to look up to, you give her someone to be. We copy their mannerisms, we copy their habits, and we copy their work ethic. Little girls need someone to show them the world, so that they can create their own.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her the first boy she will ever love.

And I'm not really sure someone will ever be better than him either. He's the first guy to take your heart, and every person you love after him is just a comparison to his endless, unmatchable love. He shows you your worth, and he shows you what your should be treated like: a princess.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her someone to make proud.

After every softball game, soccer tournament, cheerleading competition, etc., you can find every little girl looking up to their dads for their approval. Later in life, they look to their dad with their grades, internships, and little accomplishments. Dads are the reason we try so hard to be the best we can be. Dads raised us to be the very best at whatever we chose to do, and they were there to support you through everything. They are the hardest critics, but they are always your biggest fans.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a credit card.

It's completely true. Dads are the reason we have the things we have, thank the Lord. He's the best to shop with too, since he usually remains outside the store the entire time till he is summoned in to forge the bill. All seriousness, they always give their little girls more than they give themselves, and that's something we love so much about you.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a shoulder to cry on.

When you fell down and cut yourself, your mom looked at you and told you to suck it up. But your dad, on the other hand, got down on the ground with you, and he let you cry. Then later on, when you made a mistake, or broke up with a boy, or just got sad, he was there to dry your tears and tell you everything was going to be okay, especially when you thought the world was crashing down. He will always be there to tell you everything is going to be okay, even when they don't know if everything is going to be okay. That's his job.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a lifelong best friend.

My dad was my first best friend, and he will be my last. He's stood by me when times got tough, he carried me when I just couldn't do it anymore, and he yelled at me when I deserved it; but the one thing he has never done was give up on me. He will always be the first person I tell good news to, and the last person I ever want to disappoint. He's everything I could ever want in a best friend and more.

Dads are something out of a fairytale. They are your prince charming, your knight in shinny amour, and your fairy godfather. Dads are the reasons we are the people we are today; something that a million "thank you"' will never be enough for.

Cover Image Credit: tristen duhon

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The Lazy Girl's Guide To The Gym

Also, everything else you should know if you're a slightly out-of-shape girl (like me).


With my freshman year coming to an end, I realized a lot of things. I made new friends, I found new hobbies, and I learned a lot of lessons. One of them being that the "Freshman 15" is very real and very scary.

While my friends and family have attempted multiple times to convince me that I'm just being dramatic (I am), I still want to make a change in my lifestyle or I will, in all seriousness, be on track to the "Sophomore 20".

Here is a list of my best gym and healthy lifestyle tips that I am slowly attempting to live by this summer in order to resurrect Emily's 18-year-old body and health.

1. Increase water intake.

2. Find a gym buddy.

3. Start off with cardio.

4. Don't stop on your cardio until you're dripping in sweat.

5. Chug a LOT of water an hour before the gym.

Do not do it right before, or you will be in pain.

6. Eat light beforehand but just enough to hold you over. 

7. Plan out what your routine will be BEFORE you get there.

My routine: Elliptical for a mile, Stairmaster for 10 minutes, ab HIIT workout for 10 minutes, 5 more minutes on Stairmaster.

8. Buy healthy foods while you're feeling motivated.

9. Find a gym that isn't too far from your house. 

10. Don't get mad at yourself if you don't see results in a day.

I know this is a hard one.

11. Try fitness classes. 

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