My whole life has been one big identity crisis. I’ve never really known what I liked or what I wanted to do -- or so I thought. Everyone told me it was fine, and that I would figure it out in college. I was going to take ‘that’ class, the one that makes everything click, and everything would fall into place.
College exposes us to a multitude of possibilities and opens so many doors for so many people who didn’t know that major existed, or that class, or that career. So, I entered college with an undeclared major and began the journey of finding my hidden passion.
I was eager to finally discover my path in life. I rationalized with myself that I didn't know what I wanted because I just didn’t know what it was. In reality, I’ve always known what I like and what I’m good at. Part of me (and my family) just hoped I would discover something a little more practical.
A semester passed at SDSU, and while I know that’s not a long time, I wasn’t finding ‘that’ class. Looking through my course catalog, nothing jumped out at me. There were many moments of panic as I regarded the future. It took a series of undeclared student workshops for me to realize that what I like, and what I want to do, has been staring me in the face my whole life -- I just refused to look at it.
During every workshop, we would be asked what class we were enjoying that semester. My answer was always my ENG220 course, or Intro to Literature. It wasn’t a surprise to me - I’ve always enjoyed reading and writing. As more time passed, and my love for that class grew, my advisor started to push me towards declaring an English major.
Yet part of me vehemently refused. Everyone knows you can’t do anything with a BA in English. Yes, it's a myth, and employers are always looking for people with writing and communication skills -- but not every English major is going to become a successful author.
I had succumbed to this fact long ago and buried my dreams of becoming the next wildly-successful author right next to those of being a ballerina. It was discouraging, of course, to realize as a young child that your dreams are basically unattainable and you should pursue something more practical. Depressing, but it's a fact of life.
You go to college to get a job that makes you money. The moment I gave up on the dream of surviving as an author I stopped considering the English major. I knew I could get a job with it, but would I actually like it? From what I heard, I wasn’t going to be able to read or write creatively - I was destined to become a glorified secretary or scribe of some sort. My life with an English major looked bleak, and I stayed undeclared.
Second semester is almost done, and again my favorite classes are my two English courses. I’ve also been lucky enough to develop a really strong bond with my professor from my ENG220 course, who I am taking again this semester just for the sake of taking her class. She was also the one who recommended the second course - ENG 280.
That’s the thing about my two English courses - they are both relatively unnecessary credit wise. I’m double dipping in some categories with both classes. But my advisor encouraged me to take them anyways because he had a feeling I would enjoy them.
It's become apparent to my advisor, and probably everyone else in my undeclared workshops who listened to me rave about my English classes, that I was destined to become an English major. I recently gave up denying it. Now, after ten years of being convinced that I didn’t know what I wanted in life, I’m finally owning up to my identity as an English major.
I think I would be making the ‘third grade me’ proud - the ‘me’ that was told she should become an author and passionately believed it was possible. While I know now that that’s probably not in the cards for me, I can still be confident that, for at least the next four years, I’m going to be studying something I’ve always been passionate about.
My transition into the English department has also brought to light some desires to become a teacher - something else I have passionately denied my whole existence, coming from a family of them. But that’s for me to worry about in the future. For now, although I will probably consider myself an undeclared major for life, I finally have some vague idea of what direction I’m going in.
