The ancient Greeks broke down love into four categories: Agape (unconditional love), Philia (brotherly love), Storge (familial love), and Eros (erotic love). Society has defined unconditional love as the truest form of love ever since then: a love free of circumstances, situations, or demands. We are told that we have not truly loved - whether it be a friend or partner - until we have loved unconditionally. As a result, “unconditionally” has become synonymous with “wholeheartedly.”
Admittedly, I have professed my love to numerous people, to pals and to boyfriends, and have felt that love dwindle, often questioning in retrospect if it was true “love” at all. Nonetheless I catch myself every time and ask, “Did I love wholeheartedly while I did love? What conditions were not met that caused my love to falter?” Ascribing “conditions” to love sounds harsh or even selfish; regardless, society functions, consciously or not, within a certain set of conditions. If a woman loved a man unconditionally, despite finding out that he was an axe murderer, I would not argue that this love is more “unconditional” than another love. Rather, I would argue that her lover’s actions fell within the woman's set of conditions for her partnership, whether she recognized it or not. She may not need a completely virtuous partner: but she certainly needs something from her partnership, and is still getting it, which is keeping her love alive. How reasonable her expectations are is another story.
Would loving somebody regardless of how they treated you be selfless? Absolutely, and this selflessness is probably what is so often glorified as romantic. But giving yourself freely without a sense of boundaries is unhealthy. Love yourself, love your partner, remain loyal, and train your heart to forgive, but never lose your sense of self and what you truly need in the process. Does this mean that you should be constantly aware of the give-and-take in your friendships and relationships? Absolutely not. Loving wholeheartedly should still entail a desire to please somebody of your own accord, not because they demand it of you. Conditions should not really be demands anyway; but more of a set of circumstances, a certain level of love and respect, and an understanding that love — just like literally everything else — is situational.
Have you ever loved a friend, and the friendship ended because of time, distance, or differences? Maybe your best friend changed after her first year of college, you developed irreconcilable ideological differences, or you simply drifted apart. Your relationship no longer satisfied pre-defined boundaries, so it deteriorated and ended. It would not be fair for her to call you out on your lack of loyalty, or vice versa, because you used to be close with her. It also would not really make sense. Unfortunately, it has happened to most of us.
I have loved wholeheartedly but I have never, and will never, love unconditionally. My conditions and my boundaries are my own; they make me who I am as a partner and a friend. I would expect anyone to hold me to a similar standard. Conditional love is beautiful because when we are able to admit that we have entered a relationship based on a certain set of circumstances, we understand that our counterparts have too, and we begin to value our relationships as something to be constantly cherished and nurtured.
