The thing about life is that you never have a definite outcome from an anticipated event. Even if you've wished for something relentlessly or were told that 'so and so' will happen, there's always a chance that life will turn down a different path. There are many variables that can shape the outcome of an event; both big and small things do matter in the course of life. I find this to be true for me: I criticize every small decision I make, especially when my decisions result in a bad consequence.
This uncertainty, this lack of clarity, adds a reason to fear the future for me. It's a source of a growing anxiety tucked in the farthest reaches of my mind. I like to think that with the hard work that I put into my responsibilities, there will be a positive outcome. Here comes the uncertainty that simply expecting something to happen doesn't mean it will happen, that it doesn't mean that it is bound to happen.
Often, these thoughts don't manifest spontaneously. I know there's a reason for why I'm feeling anxious about my unclear future, and thankfully, I know the cause of its recent impact on my life. Incoming college freshmen are often warned of the kind of academics they will be hit with when they start college courses: there's going to be a lot of studying involved, time management, responsibilities, and a whole lot of other stuff pertaining to how different it will be from high school.
Now I see that clearly.
I came into college earlier than some of my peers, as I had to go through training for the work-study job I signed up for. Being new to the college experience, I was enthusiastic about the prospect of working, taking classes, joining clubs, and volunteering. Although it was implied from the shocked and pitying looks I got from other freshmen and upperclassmen, I would never expect my major and the courses affiliated with it to be something to cause me so much worry. I told myself that I've been stressed about coursework before and that the worry will pass as soon as the exam passes as well. Only this time, the opposite became true: if I can't retain this information now and use it, how will I do in the course following this one?
My inability to know for sure if this path I've chosen for myself is the best one kills me.
I'm stuck wondering if the choices I made were right, or if this was a chance that I somehow wasted. Giving up right now is not an option, but what if not giving up means a mediocre grade and a GPA considered inadequate for medical school? What if dropping this class is the best bet, but I can't handle the constant reminder that I gave up? What if I could continue and work twice as hard would pay off and I could prove myself wrong by succeeding?
I've made some choices now that may come to save me or ruin me later: I resigned from the work-study job I was eager to join before the start of classes and I talked to my advisor about dropping classes and even possibly changing majors. I took these steps because they seem to be the best choice right now, but I'm uncertain if they really will help or if the problem lies elsewhere.
Even through these times of uncertainty, there's not much to do except go on and see where my choices lead me. As long as I do the best that I can for the dreams I hope to accomplish, I won't be wasting my time. I may not feel it now, but my choices will most likely lead me to a place in life where I will feel more secure and not so afraid of the future.