Your Typical College Advice Article

Your Typical College Advice Article

This advice is imperative for any new freshman!


College is a big step and a huge adjustment! It's exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. Lucky for you, you've decided to read a bunch of articles on the Internet to prepare yourself! Well, I've got just what you need.

1. Let your parents help you move in.

Let your mom make your bed. Let your dad fuss over the Internet box. Why? This is going to be the last time they'll see you in a while and are doing their best to pretend like they're heartbroken over their child growing up. In reality, however, they can't wait to sprint out to the car and celebrate your departure. So put them to work one last time before they disown you!

2. Hide the bodies before you leave.

The last thing you need is your mother discovering the bodies of your victims hidden under your bed! You're going to be gone for a while, and you don't want them decaying over the year. I suggest the good ol' "Garbage Bag 'Em Up and Bury 'Em in the Woods" technique.

3. Say goodbye to your pets in a way they'll understand.

A lot of pets will realize something's wrong when you start packing, and will sit in your suitcase to dissuade you from leaving. This is one of the most heartbreaking moments of leaving for school. So I advise for you to show them your love the same way they do. If it's a dog, try eating their belongings. If it's a cat, why don't you kill a bird and drop it in front of them? And vomiting on them works for almost any animal!

4. Don't be afraid to meet new people!

The whole first week of school should be about meeting people and making friends. Then, by the second week, you can decide on the two percent that you like, and also the 98 percent that you hate! Good luck dealing with that 98 percent for the next four years.

5. Trust your gut.

Sometimes you'll meet a person and think, "I think we'll be really good friends." Then go out and meet them! Get to know them! Same goes with those you despise. Ostracize them from your dorm's community so that they won't be around to bug you. It'll make someone's day if you ask them to sit with you at lunch, and ruin someone's life if you ban them from the dining hall!

6. Bring lots of spare clothes.

Let's face it: laundry sucks. So why don't you bring every piece of clothing that you own? This way, when you're done, you won't have to do laundry for months!

This also counts makeshift furniture, so don't forget to invite your friends over!

7. Freshman fifteen exists.

There's no you're going to stay fit what with all the studying and work! So don't be afraid to eat an entire bag of Goldfish each night right before bed. If you're gonna gain weight, you might as well win the goddamn contest.

8. You do you.

Don't wanna join this club? Don't! Don't wanna hang with these people? Don't! College is a huge strain on your mental and physical health, so remember, always take care of yourself first! You're the most important person to yourself! So don't fuck it up!

9. Don't talk about the bodies.

No one ever has to know. No one.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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