I’m trying to be happier. I have always been the girl that says I’m “okay” whenever somebody asks because I am neither good nor bad. I have always been the girl with a well-rehearsed smile to flash when I say “hello,” “thank you,” or pass a friend walking to class. I’ve been the girl who swallows tears because it makes me seem weak and I can’t cry right now anyway, I have class in 10 minutes.

I’m trying to be happier. I’ve also been the girl who bursts into tears for no good reason. Who feels lonely even when surrounded by people I love. I’ve always been the girl who throws herself into homework, TV shows, books, singing BASTILLE songs, in order to forget about whatever is eating at me.

I’m trying to be happier. I’ve been the girl who lies awake at 2am because her brain won’t turn off. I’m the girl who scribbles depressing poems into the back of her notebook during history class because she can’t carry those feelings around anymore. I’ve been the girl who never leaves her room unless necessity dictates that I should. I’ve been the girl that answers questions in monosyllables because to try and string any other words together is too hard.

I’m trying to be happier. I’ve been the girl who cancels plans or make excuses to not make them in the first place in order to stay at home, in my bed, the blue light from my iPad creating shadows on my face as I binge watch Netflix. I’ve been the girl to snap at my mom for no reason because I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’ve been the girl to bury every single emotion I possess into the recesses of my chest so I don’t have to deal with them.

I’m trying to be happier. I’ve been the girl who tells herself, “The last five years have been so hard, easier ones are coming,” only to realize that it isn’t necessarily true. I’ve been the girl who becomes quietly sad five times a year for extended periods of time because I can’t overcome my grief. I’ve been the girl that experiences body wracking sobs, a drought of tears, and the feeling of choking on sadness.

I’m trying to be happier. I’ve been the girl who keeps everything in, who is locked up tighter than the vaults at Fort Knox. I’ve been the girl who suffers in silence and alone, curled up in a ball on the bathmat on my bathroom floor. I’ve been the girl who drives aimlessly for hours, burning gas, tears, and sadness as I go.

I’m trying to be happier. I am the girl who is tired of living under a persistent raincloud. I am tired of being the girl who is alone in the good and especially the bad. I am tired of being the girl who is throwing away opportunities and relationships because she would rather be alone, in the dark, in bed.

I’m trying to be happier. I am tired of causing my friends to worry. I am tired of being grumpy to my family. I am tired of being swallowed whole by something I can learn to control.

I’m trying to be happier. I am tired of having a rehearsed smile, of crying for no reason. I am tired of hiding in my room. I am tired of not letting people in. I am tired of just accepting this as reality.

I’m trying to be happier. I am tired of only seeing the negative instances that span my life. I am tired of singing because I’m sad and need to forget; I want to sing because I’m happy and want to have fun. I want to be able to answer questions honestly, in full and colorful sentences. I want to be able to leave my room, to go on adventures. I want to be able to smile because I am genuinely happy, not because I feel like I should.

I’m trying to be happier. I want to see the world in yellows, blues, greens, purples, oranges. I want to live under a sunset or sunrise or a starry sky, not dark clouds. I want to dance, I want to laugh, I want other people to know who I am. I want to live without fear of judgment or sadness in my chest.

I’m trying to be happier. I’ll admit it: I’m not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time. But today is the last day for that. I have the strength within me to learn to control this. I have the strength to move on. I have the strength to be happy…and I deserve it.