There are many things I would never wish onto anyone; even my worst enemy. The loss of a child is at the very top of that list. I don't think anyone should have to endure the hurt and pain that comes with that. I know plenty of people who don't think something like that could or would happen to them, and the sad truth of it is you just never know.
When someone you know loses their child, you want to help, and you want to do something to ease their pain. Your good intentions are seen, and appreciated more than you know, but nothing can ease the pain because it will always be there.
For me, it felt like a terrible nightmare that I wasn't and haven't been able to wake up from. Even now, it doesn't feel real, even though I know it is. I'd give anything to be able to back to the person I was, but I know that I'm forever changed.
It's been less than two months, and it still feels like yesterday. It feels like I just found out that I was pregnant, that I just felt him move, and that I just lost him.
With each day that passes, I feel like it gets easier, and other days I feel like I can't go on. When you lose a part of you, like a child, all you can think about is the "what if's". All you can think about, and all that you can see, is what would be happening only if your child had survived. What if they were living with you each and every day.
I think about what he would have been like. I wonder if he would have been more about sports or arts. I wonder what kind of music he would have liked the most. I think about how close we would have been, and everything I would have done for him.
The thing about losing him that hurts the most, is that he was taken before he even got to live. I never got to feel him squeeze my finger, hear him cry, and see him smile at me. It's the little things that will always mean the most.
You may catch yourself pushing people away, because you just don't know how to be the same person you were before. Don't be angry if we try to push us away, just don't allow yourself to be pushed away.
It takes time to get just a portion of yourself back. Even when you do start to, it can make you feel angry, sad, or guilty, and all for the same reason. The last thing you want to do is feel like your child didn't matter. It can tug at you, and make you feel as though they didn't matter just because you are moving on. You'll never forget that precious life, even if they didn't even get to take a single breath.
You'll find yourself faced with people who will try to make you lose your faith, those who will try to make you believe that you aren't a parent. No matter what happens, don't give in. You carried that child around with you, and it doesn't matter how long it was. Your child was and is a part of you, and that will never change.
Don't lose sight of who you are. You are the mother to an angel, and your precious angel will look down on, and protect you for the rest of your life. Be strong, because that is what you are.
