There is not a day that passes where I don't think about my assault. Although it was months ago, it follows me. Every time I find myself alone, I think of this almost exclusively. I'm still struggling to wrap my head around what happened, constantly wondering, "Was it real, or am I somehow wrong?"
I recently attended a showing of "The Hunting Ground" at my college (if you don't know what this is, please look it up). I tried to hide my reaction from the people around me. I felt like I had "I was raped" tattooed on my forehead, and even in the dark it seemed like everyone could read it. I didn't care that they knew; I just didn't want them to approach me about it. I chose not to leave because the people hosting had made it clear that they would talk to anyone who left during the showing.
But also, I couldn't stop watching. Every time someone shared their story, or there was another University mentioned, or another case where the administration there actively tried to silence the victims, or supported the people who assaulted them, it felt like I had been hit in the stomach.
I left distressed. I am never more ashamed of myself than I am when I feel weak. And in my vulnerability, I am angry. I want to break something. I want to scream.
Because I can't protect the people I care about from this. It happened to me, and I don't want it to happen to you.
I'm writing a paper on sexual assault and the technologies coming out to help 'prevent' it. I don't believe in what I'm writing at all. I chose the topic because I want to express this as an issue to everyone I meet, and the course involves technology.
As great as it is that people are making these inventions designed to keep other people from feeling this way, the problem is not that we don't have the proper resources to protect ourselves. The problem is that people are still saying we need to be protecting ourselves—like if something happens to us, it's because we should have been better prepared.
We shouldn't be telling women* to guard themselves with pepper spray and color-changing nail polish (which, by the way, will not always work depending on what is in the drink); we should be spreading awareness and teaching people. We should be teaching men** not to rape.
Perhaps more frightening than anything else is that most predators don't identify themselves as predators. A study at the University of North Dakota found that one in three men would act upon “intentions to force a woman into sexual intercourse" if there would be no consequences. The precise statistic was 31.7 percent of the men involved in the study. This percentage dropped to 13.6 percent when asked if they would act on "intentions to rape a woman" without consequences.
People are caught up in this archaic notion that "No means no," is still enough. Just because someone doesn't say 'no', doesn't mean they're saying 'ye.' Yes means yes. And even then, you can always change your mind. At any point. 'Yes' is not indefinite.
So no, the problem is not that we don't have enough pepper spray. The problem is not victims dressed provocatively, or drinking too much. The problem is that predators exist, and many of them wouldn't even consider themselves to be predators. I know mine didn't, last time I checked.
Date rape drugs are a problem. But the leading weapon used in sexual assault cases is alcohol. And a lot of assaults involve fraternities. According to one of the links below, fraternity members are three times more likely to commit assault than non-fraternity members. (This same article also features a picture with the Greek letters of the fraternity that the boy I consider to be my rapist is a part of.)
Once again, this is not about women not drinking. That is not the problem. The problem is the unsafe environments perpetuated by predators. (To the frats at my school, if you don't do this already, having a "Sober Brother"—or sister—or various sober members at events would be highly appreciated. It won't fix everything, but it may help.)
Lady Gaga released a song that was featured in "The Hunting Ground," called "Till It Happens To You." If you didn't see her performance at The Oscars, I strongly recommend looking it up. She was accompanied by a large number of real survivors, one of which recently spoke at my school as well (she, too, was involved in "The Hunting Ground," and started an organization called "End Rape on Campus").
The lyrics say, "till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels." It's true. And I thank God for that. Because I hope you don't know how it feels, and I hope you don't find out. But if you do...
If you do know how this feels, you are not alone. Even if no one else believes you, even if you don't believe yourself sometimes. You are not alone.
If you've been assaulted, whether it was last night or 10 years ago, and you need to talk, please reach out to me. If you don't know what to do or how to go about reporting (or not reporting), please let me know. There is relief in talking about it. I promise.
Your body is still your own. You are not dirty. You are not less beautiful. You are precious and you are love.
As for me, I will stay angry about this. This epidemic is not tolerable, and I want it extinguished. Maybe that won't ever happen. But I won't know unless I try; we won't know until we try.
So please help me. Please spread this. It could be the difference between someone reporting or not, or someone making a terrible mistake or not.
I can't save you, but I can try to help you. And you can't save everyone, but you can try to help.
And to the guys out there: Most of you are good people. I saw so many guys at the showing of "The Hunting Ground" and many other events, and I can't say how much I appreciate it. We need you. Please remember that men don't rape, and men don't let rape happen. Boys do.
Remember, yes means yes! (And even then, you can still change your mind.)
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please get this out. Thank you.
If you have any other questions or need help, please contact me. You can reach me at help4survivors@gmail.com. Resources and info are below.
RESOURCES:
Title IX (Resource for reporting and knowing your rights. This is a safe place to talk and get help.):
www.titleix.info
End Rape On Campus:
National Sexual Violence Resource Center:
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (has international resources):
INFO:
College men study (1 in 3 would rape):
"1 in 3 College Men In Survey Say They Would Rape A Woman If They Could Get Away With It" by Tara Culp-Ressler (Think Progress)
Frat Guys:
"Of Frats, Rape Culture, and #TFM" by Lindsey O'Brien
*Women: Not all victims are women. One in six boys will be assaulted before the age of 16. And this is based solely on reported cases.
**Men: Not all predators are men. It is possible for a man to be raped by a woman, a woman to be raped by a woman, or a man to be raped by another man.
