I should probably start this off by saying it might trigger some people. If you are feeling suicidal, depressed, you have thoughts of hurting yourself or other, you drink and abuse drugs, and anything of this nature please get help.

So I'm a complete hypocrite, I want to help others but I don't even know how to help myself.

I am the first one there for somebody when they need someone to talk to if they're depressed, anxious or whatever. I'm the first one to say that suicide is not the answer, that it's never okay to hurt yourself or others, and I'm the first one to say drugs and alcohol are never the answer and to stay away from them. But I would be lying to you guys if I said that I was taking my own advice.

Truth be told, I want to die, I just do not know when I'll do it.

I know it won't be anytime soon but it'll happen if I don't do something. Killing myself consumes my thoughts all the time lately, even though I have a bunch of good things going for me. While I do have good in my life, I have a ton of bad too.

Unfortunately, the bad outweighs the good, and it's been this way since I was 15 years old. It's been a continuous roller-coaster of ups and downs, for the last 7 1/2 years of my life.

I was a sophomore in high school when I first realized I was depressed.

I had no friends, I was bullied, and I have never been close to anyone in my family, not even my parents or sibling. I hated going to school, I would go in late, leave early or just not go, to avoid certain people and certain classes. I realized my sophomore year I had an eating disorder too, I was barely eating anything. I kept this to myself until now.

I'm sure nobody noticed because I mean let's be honest, who would? I tried to go to therapy and talk to somebody but honestly, that just made me feel 10 times worse. So please don't even try to tell me to talk to somebody because, honestly, after every single session I would contemplate ways to kill myself. Eventually, I gave up going.

Since then, I haven't gotten better but I have gotten worse, I haven't gotten to the extreme worse, but still. I don't know how to explain it, because I don't want every little detail out for the world to know.

Over the last 7 1/2 years, I have been depressed, suicidal and I don't eat the way I should.

I either don't eat at all or I snack all day long. I either sleep the day away or I don't sleep at all. I over think every little thing, I cry myself to sleep more than I would like to admit, I ruin friendships and any type of relationships. I've been abused in a relationship, I've been to Butler, (which is a mental hospital where I'm from), I use alcohol to feel better sometimes, I scream and yell in frustration and I get violent pretty easily.

Not that long ago I punched my bedroom door and put a few holes in it...this isn't the first time I've punch doors and walls either.

No one would know any of this if I didn't write about it because on the outside I am always laughing and smiling. No one even knew about my relationship until I wrote an article on it. No one would know anything because I'm the one that gives the advice, but I'm not the one that takes it.

I don't let the world, or even people close to me, see my breakdowns.

That was until recently. I can't keep hiding this anymore and I can't keep acting like I'm fine when I'm not. I'm making myself worse and worse, and I feel like if I don't say something now, I will end up killing myself. I'm honestly at the lowest I've ever been and no one around me even realizes it.

I know that suicide is not the answer and that's what has gone through my head every time I've tried, so I stopped trying. But I know eventually if I don't make it known, somebody will find me dead, with a note explaining everything in detail.

I don't want people to think that I'm writing this and that any day I'm going to actually do anything.

I just wanted to put this out there so people know that they aren't alone.

Especially if you've never dealt with depression and it's new to you, you can live with it, and sometimes yes it does get better, but it might get worse, and I'm just being honest. It'll get worse if you don't make it known to those around you, the ones you see every day, whether it's a family member, a friend, the person you're in a relationship with, or even teacher.

I'm letting the world know that I'm not okay and I need you guys to check up on me sometimes. Not all the time because honestly I hate feeling smothered, but sometimes I need somebody to look out for me, like the way I look out for other people.

Because if I'm being honest, I feel like a ticking time bomb.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.

National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7

Photo by Fátima Fuentes on Unsplash