The Truth About Interracial Relationships In 2018

The Truth About Interracial Relationships In 2018

The good, the bad, and the ugly - and what you can do about it.

It is now 2018. A mere 18 years since Alabama removed the anti-miscegenation law from its books.

ONLY 18 years.

This means that technically it was illegal to be in an interracial relationship until the year 2000 under Alabama law.

A common idea throughout American society is that interracial relationships are generally accepted and that prejudice doesn't really exist anymore.

This is a LIE.

I am a white woman married to a black man. I have been called tainted, damaged goods, and "niggums girl" to my face. We have been victims of side glances and glares, and it is automatically assumed our restaurant bills are "separate." These are things that same-race couples do not have to worry about.

I am not saying that these things happen daily, but they happen often.

Racism is wild and rampant in our society today. It is shocking how sneaky and normalized racial discrimination has become. Despite the fact that interracial relationships are on the rise (one out of every eight marriages according to, they are still seen as "different."

Gina Escandon, associate Editor at Her Campus , described it as “Race will continually be injected into their relationship because society will put a big red stamp on their foreheads that reads, 'This is different.'”

I could not have said it better myself.

What are the key differences between interracial relationships and the latter?

Let's talk about the elephant in the room: Racism

First of all, I am a white woman married to a black man. Most of the time when people think of racism and discrimination against interracial couples they think of little old grandparents and the common excuse is "they are old" or "it's just how they were raised." Whatever. We get it; you’re justifying.

But what about the black women that glare at us, viewing my husband as a ‘"sellout" and me as stealing "their" man? What about our parents? I guarantee that no parent envisions their grandchildren as mixed kids. They are either beautiful black babies, with big brown eyes and curly hair, or blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

When I told my parents that I was dating a black man, they automatically assumed it was a "phase" and that I would grow out of it. Eventually, they fell in love with him, just like I did, and he became part of the family. Now my parents adore him. But this is a hurdle we would never have had to jump had we been the same color.

You are conscious of your appearance - constantly

Things that are different or against social norms have a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable, they stare. I constantly wonder if there is something wrong with my outfit or if I smeared my eyeliner - but nine times out of ten it is because I am a young white woman on the arm of a black man.

The Stereotypes

People assume that because you are in an interracial relationship that you ONLY date people outside your race. However, this is (in most cases) a load of crap. The majority of people who end up in interracial relationships just happen to end up there. I had never dated a black man before my husband, and honestly, I never planned on dating him. We met, we became friends, and we fell in love. Now, four years later, we're married and starting our lives together.

I feel that this is how the majority of relationships of all types come to be. The second stereotype I want to address is that "whites in interracial relationships are rebelling." Are there white people who bring home a person of another race because they know it will drive their parents crazy? I’m sure... But it’s highly unlikely that these people would maintain a relationship with someone just to spite their parents, let alone go far enough as to get married.

People making your relationship a bigger deal than it is

We are just two people in a relationship like everyone else. We did not get together to stand up for civil rights and "stick it to the man." We did not get together to make a statement or end racism. We got together because we liked each other. Simple as that.

Malcolm X said, “I believe in recognizing every human being as a human being - neither white, black, brown, or red; and when you are dealing with humanity as a family there's no question of integration or intermarriage. It's just one human being marrying another human being or one human being living around and with another human being.”

And that folks, is the heart of it all.

Cover Image Credit: UnSplash

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If Your Man Isn't Obsessed With You, Find You A New Man

Know your worth and move on.

OK, so maybe "obsessed isn't the right word," because personally, I am not trying to deal with some Edward Cullen, Mr. Grey or stalker shit (in real life, not as romantic as it sounds I'm sure). It is important to spend quality alone time, and not have a controlling, together 24/7 relationship because, trust me, I too am trying to lay on my bed, wrapped in a towel in solitude, after a shower, and watch three hours worth of baby sloth YouTube videos.

However, in a dating world full of swipe rights and double taps as flirting, it's hard not to settle for less than we should be receiving. Myself included, and my most beautiful, golden, "the-sunshines-follows-them-when-they-walk" friends, have settled for guys that treat them way less than mediocre. Perhaps we don't even apprehend what we are doing. Like in "Perks of Being a Wallflower," they say "we accept the love we think we deserve."

For example, you and your new guy hit it off pretty well at your first lunch date, and now you've entered an exciting, yet slightly anxious "talking stage." Now you're grabbing froyo with your gal pal and you're filling her in on your new guy. You tell her about your date, how great, funny, smart he is and how well things are going.

Two or maybe three weeks later, you and your friend catch up again. She hears all about the same guy, and but there's a sticky situation, a little doubt in your mind present: "Do you think he likes me?" When the initial nerve-racking, yet giddy talking stage is over, you and your new guy may be more comfortable with each other. Maybe you're both trying to establish if this is going to go any further or if it ends here.

However, by this point, the two paths should be clear and concise. "Maybe he is bad at texting?" Sure, no one has to be up each other's butts all day and ending the millennials' phone addiction isn't a bad thing, but if he isn't responding to your plans or seeing how your day was at all — he just isn't that into you. "He told me he is really spontaneous, he hates sticking to plans.."

Yeah, I love getting vanilla ice cream cones down by the beach at 2 a.m. too, but if he bails on your date 30 minutes before to hang with his friends — he just doesn't care. The harsh truth, believe me, I know, but if you're wondering if he likes you, time to ditch. If he likes you, you'll know. If you're worth his time, he will make the effort. If he cares, he will wish you Merry Christmas, or good luck on your exam. And if not, don't ask yourself the question, "does he like me" but instead ask, "what's not to like?" His loss, move on and accept you deserve better.

The first step to finding genuine, true love is knowing your worth.

Don't settle for 3 a.m. texts.

Don't go over to his apartment when he hasn't answered you all day. Tell him to take the 10-minute drive to yours, instead of going to his place every night. If he doesn't want to? I guess he didn't want to see you that much.

Don't settle for a someone who keeps calling it on and off just because they "aren't sure" if you're the one — instead, realize they aren't the one for you.

I am not concurring that we all need to be demanding, interrogating, bossy, narcissistic or high maintenance at all. In fact, this goes both ways, guys should know their worth too.

Don't accept any guy that will play with your feelings, hurt you in a vicious, endless cycle, or treat you anything less than how you would want to be treated. A relationship goes both ways. You are equals. If your man is obsessed with you, he will want to make you smile. He will know the value of spending time together, but also giving you your space and time apart.

Love is patient and love is kind. Love should energize you and make you feel alive, not drain you of who you are. Love is understanding of mistakes and knows we are only human. Love is sacrifice and knowing there is any other person out there whose happiness is just as important as there own.

So if you're second-guessing if he's into you, if he is genuine, if he is putting in the effort, then tell that boy "bye," and as Beyoncé would say, "Partner, let me upgrade you."

Cover Image Credit: Olivia DeLucia

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13 Changes Every Girl Experiences When They Go From Single To Cuffed

1. Answering my phone

Different relationships bring different changes to life.

Whether it's gaining a best friend or a boyfriend, everyone needs to adjust to start including this new person into their life. For me, I never expected to get a boyfriend in college, but now that I'm here I've had to make those adjustments and learn what it's like to be in a relationship with someone.

Some of the changes were expected, like having to go out to dinner, but some were a little more subtle.

1. Answering my phone.

Anyone that texts me knows that I am probably one of the worst texters ever. I'm extremely guilty of being one of those "oh I'll read this now but respond in a minute" texters, but then never actually responding because I get too distracted. This habit isn't exactly great when I forget to answer my boyfriend's texts for an hour...

2. Scheduling my week.

Knowing my week ahead of time has actually made me a better planner, but it's been weird trying to schedule in plans with my boyfriend because, well, I've never had to do that before. I obviously enjoy spending time with him or going out to dinner together, but it's just an added step in my week.

3. Not worrying about who my date will be to functions.

Not panicking about who I'm going to ask or whether or not it'll be weird if I get set up is honestly such a relief.

4. Spending money on gifts.

I guess holiday season is cuffing season for a reason, right? Spending money on gifts definitely made a dent to my bank account, but it was worth it.

5. Trying to find the right gift.

Honestly, what do guys even want? A wallet? Cologne? A jersey? I'm horrible in this department and my boyfriend's answer of "Anything will be nice," really doesn't help my indecisive mind.

6. Opening up and actually expressing emotions.

I'm a big fan of putting up an emotional wall and letting no one cross it, even though I know that's not exactly the best practice. But, getting a boyfriend has forced me to (reluctantly) start to open up to someone else and not keep my thoughts trapped in my mind, which has admittedly helped me in the long run.

7. You see different sides of their friends

Now that I'm officially dating my boyfriend, I obviously see his friends more than before. I think they've started accepting me in some sort of way, because hearing their stories and seeing what actually goes on in their friend group is eye-opening in so many weird ways.

8. Creating a balance between friends and boyfriend

Sometimes it's hard to find time to breathe let alone make plans with my best friends and my boyfriend. Finding this balance is harder at some times than others, but both parties understand if I can't be with them for a night.

9. Some things get way more fun when you do them together

Watching a funny movie? Driving around and singing horribly together? Making fun of that other couple that's sitting on the same side of the booth? Much funnier.

10. Watching people's reactions when you tell them you're dating someone

My friends literally thought I was joking when I told them for the first time and started laughing.

11. Having someone to tag in funny memes about psycho girlfriends

I can tag my boyfriend so he can see how lucky he is that I'm sooo much less psycho than everyone else!!! I'd highly recommend.

12. Suddenly remembering that your S.O. doesn't know all of the weird sh*t from your past... like high school.

This is dangerous territory. I thought I was done going through this when my roommate found my embarrassing Facebook pics freshman year, but I guess not.

13. Having big sweatshirts to wear!!

I waited a solid amount of time before breaking the news to my boyfriend that he wasn't getting his sweatshirt back. Even though he still complains, I think he knows I won that battle.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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