I’ll be the first to admit that I am a perfectionist about school and work.
I find it hard to forgive myself when I write and turn in a lousy essay. I cannot stand to make an 89 on a test instead of a 90. I actually cringe at the thought of using the wrong color highlighter for the wrong type of passage in a book.
Have you ever wondered why people think like this? Or have you ever wondered why exactly you do the things you do? Now that I’ve graduated from high school and am about to be finished with my freshman year of college, I’ve come to the disturbing realization that some of the reasons why I seem to be wired this way has less to do with a true appreciation of my responsibilities and much more to do with the fact that I’m working for some sort of reward.
Rewards are a huge part of our culture, especially when it comes to careers and education. We do a better job at work so that we can get a promotion. We stay awake all day and night trying to get our assignments as perfect as possible so that we can make the Dean’s List or have an impressive GPA. Even if there isn’t a tangible reward for doing something, it’s hard to deny that many of the ways we work towards success is motivated by some factor outside of ourselves. If we keep following this pattern it will only make us miserable.
When was the last time you studied your textbooks because you wanted to be informed, not just because the class syllabus says to read them?
When was the last time you chose a topic for a paper that you were truly passionate about, not just the easiest option on the list of ideas your professor gave you?
When was the last time you did something above and beyond the expectations of your employer because it was a kind and responsible thing to do, not just because you wanted to earn favor or recognition of some kind? Take the time to stop and examine your motivations for a minute.
As hard as it may be to admit so openly, I’ve realized during the past few weeks that most of the reasons I work to be successful is because of a deep longing to be praised, admired, and even affirmed on a psychological level. I feel as if I have to prove myself to the world in almost everything I do. And this is precisely why I struggle to accept failure of any kind, why I push myself to the point of mental and emotional breakdowns at the end of each semester and why I am so deeply affected by praise and criticism.
I’ll tell you the same thing that I’ve been telling myself lately.
There are people everywhere who would love to go to college – or even read a book – but aren’t able to. There are people everywhere who would appreciate the chance to have a great job – or even a minuscule one – but aren’t able to. There are people who would do anything to have a home to live in – let alone maintain – but aren’t able to. I understand that there are ways to get out of bad situations in life, but the stark reality is that there are people all around the world who are unable by law and extreme oppression to be educated or employed. This is a devastating and humbling reality.
People take responsibilities for granted so much that they become blind to the real value of them. There is value in having a job to do. Once we really grasp that being successful doesn’t have to depend on how much we get paid, how much our work is admired or how high our grades are, we will get so much more out of what we set our minds and hands to – out of our entire lives, really.
I still want to do well, and there is a lot to celebrate in making and achieving goals, but I know now that there is more to life than doing well.
I want to be well.
