You think you know the classic holiday song, "Jingle Bells?" Well, THINK AGAIN!

We all can sing along to that fun little chorus, you know the one:

Great stuff, right? But wait... do you know the second verse? Does any of this ring a (jingle) bell?

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot

Wait... hold the phone. WHO THE HECK IS MISS FANNY BRIGHT? Do you remember singing this part, because I sure don't. So, naturally, I google this shady "Miss Fanny Bright" character, and what do you know, practically nothing shows up. When I looked for images of this woman, pretty much all I could find was this:

This isn't even a real woman, it's an ornament. How could a character in one of the most well-known and beloved songs ever be so NONEXISTANT??! It just doesn't make sense.

Also, just looking past the whole Fanny thing, this verse masks some dark stuff under the cheery tune of the song. I mean, this poor horse!! "Misfortune seemed him lot / we got into a drifted bank / and then we got upsot?" Uhhh no one cares about what happens to the narrator and fricking Fanny, I want to know if the horse is okay?? Did they leave the horse in the drifted bank? Did it die? I'm really concerned.

And don't even get me started on verse four.

Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song
Just get a bobtailed bay
Two forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack, you'll take the lead

This psychotic verse seems to support kidnapping young girls, getting a "botailed bay" (this is apparently the name for a horse who's tail has been cut short) and making him go insanely fast, and then there's an ominous crack--is it a whip? Is it someone's skull? Who the heck knows. All I know is that Jingle Bells sure isn't the wholesome song I remember from my youth.

Oh well. I just hope I haven't ruined your Christmas with this scathing exposé. Well, GOODBYE!!! I wish you a happy holidays and wonderful winter break!