I really don’t expect people to relate to this. That’s the thing about being an awkward person, I’m so awkward I don’t think anyone else can compare war stories with me. Now, that is not a challenge but any awkward stories or comparisons would be greatly appreciated so I know I’m not truly alone in this.
There’s a lot of stuff that goes into being the awkward friend. I’ve been through a lot. The worst of it all is that once your friends realize how uncomfortable you get, they try to put you in awkward situations.
Here are some true accounts that prove I am in fact, your awkward friend.
People don't believe my stories
Like the time I went to my first club with my best friend and the guy she liked. They were dancing and I was dancing awkwardly next to them until this cute guy came up behind me and started dancing with me. I was really excited until he blew in my ear. And when I reacted and turned around he licked my face.
Sometimes they just don’t want to believe them
My life is so awkward that sometimes as I tell people my real life stories they cringe in embarrassment. Like Britney circa 2007 would be embarrassed for me if she heard some of them.
Sort of like when I tell people about how I went to my first Gay bar and I told the face-licking story to which the girl I was telling it to responded with: “Oh honey, I don’t want to lick your face, I want to lick....” (well, you know what comes next).
When attractive people talk to me
I really hope my face isn’t red like I feel it is. Wait, yup the redness has worked it’s way down to my arms so it definitely is.
My responses are completely inappropriate
Why can’t I just react normally to meeting new people? Seriously, I have to stop getting comfortable with people at a different rate than them.
“So where do you work?”
“The Oakland Nursery.”
“Oh, I’ve killed a lot of plants from that place.”
I’m, for reasons I will never understand, always the designated third wheel
Who decides this? Why is it that when my roommates have a weird Tinder guy over or are going to a party to see a specific guy they feel the need to drag me along? Obviously I am not going to make this situation better.
I can’t even begin to respond to flirting
“Your hair looks soft.”
“Thanks I didn’t wash it today.”
...In my defense that was a really weird compliment.
My role models are other awkward people
Who do you idolize?
Oh you know, Tina Fey, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone and Jess from New Girl.
I have weird catch phrases
Why do I say words like “dagnabbit” and “whoopsie doodle”? The world may never know.
I do weird things when I’m drunk
Everyone has their different things. Some girls make out with other girls, some girls yell “woooo” a lot, my drunk thing is not having any sense of depth perception. Yeah, that’s right, I get ridiculously close to people’s faces. Which has made for many a accidental make outs and ruined a few friendships. Now that’s a whoopsie freaking doodle.
I don’t actually understand my own kind
It’s hard for me to be friends with girls because they have emotions that I myself do not understand. Feelings are actually the biggest trigger for an awkward person. I don’t care if you’re my best friend, if you cry I’m going to back slowly out of the room.
I physically hide from other people’s problems--I mean, feelings
Oh yeah, I’ve hid in closets, my car and even turned off the lights in my room and sat in the dark for an hour. Probably wasn’t the best idea but saved me from a world of awkwardness.
