I was raised Catholic. My parents really did a wonderful job instilling the values of the church in me at a young age, and for a long time I had a great relationship with this higher being that, in Christian based religions, has been named God. It is hard to pinpoint a specific moment when my faith in God began to fade. If I had to guess, I would say that I started questioning the intentions of the church at about 14-years-old. I believe that it took until age 17 to fully break down my faith in Christianity itself, and then it was not until age 20 that my belief in the existence of God was entirely obsolete. Throughout this 6-year-process, I did fight to find reasons that what I had been taught as a child was what I ultimately believed to be the truth. I desperately did not want to disappoint those around me and I did not want to disappoint this God-figure just in case he did exist - I thought it would be better to die a good Catholic and be wrong than to die a non-believer and be wrong.

A little over a year ago I began to feel that for me to continue pretending that I did believe in God would be very disrespectful to the thousands of people who truly do have faith in God. How could I possibly live with myself; making a mockery of something that is so important to so many? I decided that out of respect, I needed to face the uncomfortable truth and begin to admit to anyone who might ask "I do not believe in God". Putting this into motion was awkward at first. I began telling only my family and only when it came up naturally in conversations. Eventually, I worked up the courage to admit to my lack of faith on the random occasion that a stranger might ask me about my personal beliefs. I am finally comfortable admitting to my lack of faith in God, but I have noticed that maybe all of those years of trying to convince myself I was a Christian did leave a lasting impact on me.

Just like anyone who might happen to read this, I am human. I am not perfect. I have so many components that make up my life and when they don't all agree or when one of these components begins to fall out of "normal order" (i.e. family problems, being overloaded with schoolwork, illness, and all of those things that can go wrong in life) I find myself reaching out for something that just isn't there. I used to turn to God in times of need, I wasn't always sure that He was actually out there to hear my prayers, but I thought 'it couldn't hurt'. I remember going to youth group and feeling comforted by those that surrounded me. The church and my faith were my safety net and even though I was not confident in its ability to catch me when I would fall, it usually did the job. I guess what I am trying to say is that once there was no longer God to assume the role of assigning purpose to what happened in life, I suddenly realized what a heavy load all of the bad things that I used to explain using God's will, now feels as it all rests on my shoulders alone.

I have always respected those who believe so firmly in their own religion, and I really do want that for myself. I have solid morals and values, but I also have learned that religion is about so much more than just being a good person. I am a 21-year-old non-expert on the topic, but I am willing to bet that the belief in a higher power of some kind (even if it is just the Universe) is vital to keeping one's sanity. Personally, I may not believe in God, but I am choosing to remian open in order to discover what my personal higher power is.

I truly hope that for you, the beautiful soul that is reading this, a higher power is present. I hope that with the sharing of my story, a conversation will continue to grow and transform around the importance of religion. To improve the world we must focus on not our differences, but on the core values that are carried within all of us as humans, and to do this we must believe in the purpose of a higher power.