There is nothing harder than faking a smile. What are you supposed to do when someone so close to you breaks you down? People encourage you to be strong. I have always been told that God only gives me what I can handle, and I believe that. It does not mean it is not hard, though. There are times when I still feel so little, so lost. Not because the people I care about are being mean, but because they are choosing to forget about me. It hurts to be forgotten, especially when it is someone’s conscious decision to do so.

Being taken advantage of has become second nature to me. There are many people in my life who are just here to make a pit stop. If life was a movie, they would be nothing more than guest tars, because additional commitment is too much. It’s OK, though. As I watch you make your grand exit, I force a smile. It was a good ride, the friendship between you and me, but now you are doing your own thing. That is completely acceptable, and I want you to do whatever brings a smile to your face. “I’ll make my way without you” is what I would tell myself in attempt to be heartless and act like you leaving was no big deal. But it was. Of course I did not want our friendship to die, but you are so happy doing things that I cannot be a part of. No matter what, I will always want what is best for you. So, I let you go, with a smile and hidden heartache.

How often is it easy to hear, "I just need space," "Yeah, but there is this other girl…" or "I wish I had met you at another time"? It is never easy, but this is another time I pretend to be heartless. I acted like it was easy to brush off. You clearly like someone else. You are not willing to like me today because it’s bad timing, but maybe another time. I force my infamous fake smile: “It’s OK, I understand.”

I did understand. It did not make sense for us to be more than two people who coexist. I get what the world is telling me, but it does not mean I didn’t have trouble coming to terms with it. Beneath the fake smile is a heavy heart, because in the end I know I care when I do not want to. I want to talk to you as a friend, but I will not reach out because I do not want to offend or upset you. You cross my mind often, but don’t worry. I have got this “I really don’t care” attitude down. Even though it is not real, I am trying to be heartless.

I hope you have enjoyed the act I have put on for you. I do not know if it worked, but I am not about to ask. Maybe you think I’m strong or I easily move on. That is and is not the case. These situations have made me stronger, but only after they knocked me down first. The worst part is I will be thinking about these people for a very long time. I do not know if it is worth it, but I cannot change that. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, and whoever you have become…know that I’m thinking about you, even though I will never actually tell you that.