In what is being touted as "the biggest snow job in Virginia history," CNU President Paul Trible Jr. signed a landmark agreement to bring all of the snow falling in Northern Virginia down to Christopher Newport to ensure an ample amount of snow days for students.
Facing the worst student approval rates in recent history, President Trible had been searching for ways to reconnect with students, and hopes to have found what he needs in what inside sources are calling a "two month, 60 inch" package deal in which snow from Northern Virginia will be shipped down via dump truck down to CNU's campus. While the amount of the deal remains undisclosed at time of writing, Trible experts are assuring students that the deal will amount to at least $50 million, and will most definitely be covered through rising tuition costs.
"I just think it's about time, you know?" remarks freshman Riley Newell. "I mean, in high school we had snow days all the time, and I just don't think it's fair that those dumb high schoolers get days off when college is, like, so much harder."
In a press conference following the much-welcomed snow received this past weekend, Trible delivered a rousing oration to a group of students who had no one to eat lunch with, promising four to five snow days at the very least, claiming that "it's time to make CNU white again."
While the nature of the deal was conducted behind closed doors, the timing of such appears to be a deliberately calculated move on the part of Trible, who has been under intense pressure as of late for the noted lack of snow days the past few semesters. This was duly noted by students, who took to social media to express their distaste on the subject.
"ODU got out and not us. This is bull****," quipped Orange Tent on Yik Yak, which was met with a flurry of up-yaks not long after the initial posting.
"Do you know how dangerous the roads are right now? Classic CNU not caring about commuters smh," tweeted out @CNUCommuters, which gained widespread exposure after the commuters won the 2013 Hall Brawl, and now serves as the conclusive opinion on all commuting matters.
Residents of Northern Virginia have expressed their mild disdain for the agreement, yet seem to have come to terms with the decision by the writing of this article.
"I mean, last year NoVA had used 45 snow days by mid February, so I guess they can have some of our snow," observes self-enlightened senior Chad Colt. "I mean if I miss even a day of my AP classes it's basically the end of the world, and AP classes are basically college level courses, so it's a pretty big deal. If I don't get fives on my tests I won't get college credit, which will totally screw up my plan to graduate on time. I've got it all figured out."
While it remains to be seen how Trible will store the snow and when it will eventually be used, students can rest easy knowing that Saturday classes are just around the corner.
