The history of celiacs and those cursed with gluten-intolerance is a dark one, full of orders for salad at pizza restaurants misinterpreted as ironic stabs at being healthy. Those who have walked this path have known poignantly the pain of living a half-life, unable to eat wheat, yet constantly surrounded by freshly leavened rolls and aisles stuffed with shiny packages of Oreos and Goldfish just a hands-breadth away. Although this maleficent disease was not given a name until the 20th century, individuals have been known to suffer from it and the consequences of the lack of public knowledge of it as far back as the second century. To commemorate all those poor souls, and those who bravely march on today wielding their fragile immune systems as not a weakness but a fascinating mark of individuality, I give you six common situations that emulate just how challenging it can be to not be able to eat gluten.
1.Yes, Aladdin, all that. If by "all tha"', you mean that after you ate the loaf of bread your body has gone into spastic, dear-God-this-is-how-it-ends mode. All you can do is lie in a ball and pray that the painful, extremely audible gurgling ends before you have to go out out in public again. Curse whatever notion made you think this time you wouldn't have to make five plus trips to the bathroom each hour, for the next 24 hours.
2. Here, we see every celiacs' reaction when they taste the food a company has attempted to make gluten-free but really shouldn't ever have been changed from its flour-full state, no matter how desperate the hordes are. Some of these sad food-like substances show up as: noodles, bagels, tortillas and a classic pie crust. You can try to fake it 'till you make it, but don't expect any result other than a life of pretending to enjoy the taste and texture of cardboard.
3. When we are on the verge of serving ourselves something that looked sure to be free of wheat, we force ourselves to read the 'CONTAINS' warning on the label and all our dreams are swept out the door. This is probably one of the worst things that can happen because there are a hell of a lot more foods out there that some asshole decided to add an ingredient like soy sauce to, or put salad dressing on (both of which like to act innocently, but in reality will kill your gut). Go back to where you came from, we just want one meal of ignorant bliss!
4. According to all companies that make gluten-free alternatives to bread, being unable to digest wheat automatically makes you a midget. For some reason, everything that they bake comes out looking like it was made in an EZ Bake oven, a good few sizes down from the norm. Look at the picture above. The only thing you can fit on that piece of bread if you wanted to make a sandwich is a single slice of tomato, cheese and lunch meat, but with the edges all nibbled off so it can fit the measly height and length measurements of the bread. We suffer enough already at the hands of the flavors given off by gluten-less bakery items, which can most accurately be described as an off-putting blend of old cardboard and sawdust.
5. Two of the greatest perks about being in a new place, be it for vacation or business, is that you get to eat out a lot and try new delicacies native to wherever you are that you've never had before. Both of these become incredibly challenging when you are unable to communicate your inability to consume gluten in a foreign language. In fact, it can be so hard to ascertain whether or not the food you want to try is going to be safe or not to eat, it's usually better to not risk it and just make peace with the fact that the closest you'll ever come to savoring those decadent flavors is through a few slow, deep whiffs of the dish. Ultimately, you'll just end up eating whatever you normally eat back home for every meal because there is no good way to trust foreign dishes that don't have an explicit list of ingredients. Sure, there are other things to take your mind off the food you're missing out on, but in the end it just sucks knowing you have to constantly carry a pack of gum with you wherever you go just so you can give yourself an excuse as to why you're not buying that fresh pain au chocolat.
6. Notice the robe on the stool. Unknown to most, there was in fact a 13th Disciple present at the Last Supper, Brother Amos. Amos had always suffered from an untraceable intestinal discomfort after every meal, but it wasn't until he partook of Jesus' broken bread that the disease came out full force, wracking him with cramps and vomit until he was forced to vacate the premises, discarding his robe in his desperation to make it to the washroom. Most unfortunately, the rest of the disciples consulted among themselves and decided that Brother Amos should retire to his chambers to recuperate, despite his feeble protestations. They then returned to carry on with what would turn out to be a bit of a big evening for everyone.
If only poor Amos had not been done-in by that innocent bite of bread! Just another example of how much gluten-free people can miss out on because of their condition. It's a rough life, kids, so don't ever treat it like its not a real issue.
