I’m lying on my bed crying. I’m quiet however, so my roommates can’t hear me. I don't want them to know the real reason that I'm upset. Things aren’t going the way as I had planned after two years of college and I’m truly unhappy. I’m crying because I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to lose them and I don’t want to leave a place that is so familiar to me and so comfortable. I know deep down that I want to transfer. Uncertainty and my anxiety cause a rush of emotions. I have a choice to make, either to stay or to leave.
I’m the worst at making decisions. Ask anyone who knows me. When I order ice cream, I can’t even decide if I want vanilla or chocolate, or if I want sprinkles or not. So, you can imagine how hard it was for me to decide to switch schools halfway through my college career. With a little help from a long list, my parents, my friends, and how the end of my sophomore year played out, I made a decision to attend UMass Amherst for my last two years. Here’s the story of how I loved Susquehanna University, but decided to leave it.
Expectations. That's what going off to college is all about. Fulfilling them throughout the first year is key. By the end of the year, if they are not fulfilled, you're left feeling empty and you can't help but to feel, dissatisfied. However, this isn’t the case for some. Personally, I absolutely loved my freshman year of college. When I say: “loved it”, I’m not exaggerating. I was part of an amazing lacrosse team, took great classes that I both enjoyed and found interesting, had a rich social life, and my roommate was my absolute best friend. If it weren’t for her decision to transfer because of distance and a sports injury, I would describe my first year at college as none other than perfect.
Susquehanna had a lot to offer. The small, intimate campus setting was welcoming, warm, and a place I could call home. The people, the coaches, the professors, and the president of the university, were all individuals that I considered “family”. They cared about my well -being, my successes, and even my failures. They picked me up when I was down and made the first half of college much easier than I anticipated. I could roll out of bed ten minutes before class began and make it there on time, which was awesome. Being away from home for the first time is tough, but all of the people that I met at SU made it less of an issue.
On the contrary, there were many things that I disliked. Heading into my sophomore year, I didn’t like how small the school was, I didn’t like how the university randomly decided to take away the opportunity to live off campus, and I felt as though the cost of tuition didn’t match up to the experience I was having.
Long story short, there are many reasons why someone could decide to switch paths. I didn’t hate Susquehanna. I loved it. I transferred to UMass because it came down to the fact that I needed a challenge and something much more, something bigger but not necessarily “better”. After two years at such a small university, I felt as I was being pulled back like an unruly dog on a leash. I wanted to be free. I suddenly knew that I didn’t want everyone on campus to know my name, what I ate for breakfast, and which brand of toothpaste I used. I wanted to be just “a number”. I know, it may sound strange, but I was too used to being known. For once in my life, I wanted to become more independent. I wanted to do something well and not be praised for it all the time. In life, I know there won't always be someone by my side to “pat me on the back” and I wanted to feel that in college before I had to face it in the “real world”.
I didn't say goodbye. Not to my friends, professors, or to my coach, in fear that they would sway my decision. If I knew what they'd have to say, I'd break down. I left it as "I'm not sure if I'll be back or not". But in my mind, I knew I wouldn't return.
However, I did say goodbye to one thing that I knew I wouldn't see for a while. The Susquehanna River. The river runs just about two miles from campus. It was a place where I made my first memories with my lacrosse team when we went tubing together on a hot September day and a place I'd often go to clear my head. There was something about that river flowing through central Pennsylvania, for me, it represented slow movement and progress. It was the slowest moving, but most beautiful river that I had ever seen. Somehow when I gazed out towards it, I became motivated to keep moving forward because just like the river, I would keep moving, too, and in the end, it would be beautiful. To move on and to move forward.
Susquehanna and I had a “love/hate” relationship, but ultimately, I owe everything to it. It was a place that allowed me to grow, to understand who I was becoming as a college student rather than a high school kid, and to make relationships that I will never forget.
Cheers to all of the transfer students out there. It’s a tough journey, but it’s worth it!
