To The Toxic Relationship That Changed My Life

To The Toxic Relationship That Changed My Life

I never deserved this

It has been about 7 months since our harmful relationship and the two questions that still come to my mind are "how" and "why?" How did I not realize what it was doing to my life? Why did I let someone control me like that? They are questions that still linger in my head today.

I was new to the single world since I just got out of an almost two-year relationship. I met you about a month later and I thought you were something special. It was new and different to me to be seen with someone else and it took some getting used to.

A month or so passes and you asked me to be your girlfriend. I was hesitant at first since it was still new to me to be single, but I ended up giving you a chance. At first, everything was like a fairy tale while I was with you. From the dates we went on to all the times we hung out, it was all so much fun. And then one day, everything changed for the worst for some reason that I still do not know of.

You started telling me what I could and could not wear. If I wore leggings, I was a whore. If I wore jeans without a belt, I was a slut. The only thing I could wear to somewhat please you were sweatpants and a sweatshirt, but you would still call me unattractive. You said I was only in a male-dominated sport because I wanted to pick up guys, even though I've been in it since I was a little girl.

You ended up breaking up with me because of commitments you had in the summer but you told me you still wanted to talk and have a romantic relationship. I was told by you that I couldn't talk to or hang out with any guys, even my guy friends since middle school.

But you could talk and hang out with any girl you pleased. You would lie to me about where you were going, but if you would check my location and I wasn't home, you would yell at me for hours about it, even if I was just at a friend's house. It didn't make sense to me but I didn't say anything because I wanted to please you. In my eyes, you were everything to me at the moment. And in your eyes, I was just another person in your life.

As another month passes, I am still dragging along behind you while you stomp all over me. I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression thanks to you. I was becoming so cautious of everything I was doing. My least favorite thing was when you would keep me up until 3 A.M. on school nights because you would always have me wondering what I was doing wrong.

The constant questions that would take over my mind were, "is he going to be mad if I do this?", "will he yell at me if he finds out I went here?" It was becoming very unhealthy. I started appreciating the good days we had because I was almost crying tears of joy when it wasn't a bad one.

The day that I will never forget finally arrives. The day you finally snapped and told me to "off myself" because no one will care, no one loves me, I'm crazy, all these hurtful insults, all coming at once. This is the day I attempted to leave this world because of the words you said and the way you treated me. I admitted myself to get help and I just want you to know that that was not me giving up, but me finally standing up for myself and realizing what you were doing to me.

It has now been seven months since that day. I have never been happier. I never deserved the harmful words you would say to me, I did not deserve to be used by you. I do not deserve to be used by anyone. I want to forgive you, but I don't know if I am ready for that quite yet.

One day though, I know it will finally hit you, you will realize what you had with me and you will miss it. I am glad that you were part of my life though. I now know what not to look for in a relationship. I know the red flags. I never did you wrong, and you will notice that sooner or later.

I deserve to be happy and I finally am again.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle: Here Is Why Being Picky Is Okay.

They're on their best behavior when you're dating.

Dating nowadays described in one word: annoying. What's even more annoying? when people tell you that you're being too "picky" when it comes to dating. Yes, from an outside perspective sometimes that's exactly what it looks like; however, when looking at it from my perspective it all makes sense. I've heard it all, "He was cute, why didn't you like him?" "You didn't even give him a chance!" "You pay too much attention to the little things!"

What people don't understand is that it's OKAY to be picky when it comes to guys. For some reason, girls in college freak out and think they're supposed to have a boyfriend by now, be engaged by the time they graduate, etc. It's all a little ridiculous; however, I refuse to put myself on a time table such as this due to the fact that these girls who feel this way are left with no choice but to overlook the things in guys that they shouldn't be overlooking, they're settling and this is something that I refuse to do.

So this leaves the big question: What am I waiting for?

Well, I'm waiting for a guy who...

1. Wants to know my friends.

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I want a guy who can hang out with my friends. If a guy makes an effort to impress your friends then that says a lot about him and how he feels about you. This not only shows that he cares about you but he cares about the people in your life as well. Someone should be happy to see you happy and your friends contribute to that happiness, therefore, they should be nothing more than supportive and caring towards you and your friendships.

2. Actually, cares to get to know me.

Although this is a very broad statement, this is the most important one. A guy should want to know all about you. He should want to know your favorite movie, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite Netflix series, etc. Often, (the guys I get stuck on dates with) love to talk about themselves: they would rather tell you about what workout they did yesterday, what their job is, and what they like to do rather than get to know you.

This is something easy to spot on the first date, so although they may be "cute," you should probably drop them if you leave your date and can recite everything about their life since the day they were born, yet they didn't catch what your last name was.

3. How they talk about other women.

THIS IS CRUCIAL FOR FINDING A NICE GUY. It does not matter who they're talking about, if they call their ex-girlfriend crazy we all know she probably isn't and if she is it's probably their fault. If they talk bad about their mom, let's be honest, if they're disrespecting their mother they're not going to respect you either. If they mention girl's physical appearances when describing them. For example, "yeah, I think our waitress is that blonde chick with the big boobs." Well if that doesn't hint they're a complete f* boy then I don't know what else to tell you. And most importantly calling other women "bitches" that's just disrespectful.

Needless to say, if his conversations are similar to ones you'd hear in a frat house, ditch him.

4. Phone etiquette.

If he can't put his phone down long enough to take you to dinner then he doesn't deserve for you to be sitting across from him. If a guy is serious about you he's going to give you his undivided attention and he's going to do whatever it takes to impress you and checking snapchat on a date is not impressive. Also, notice if his phone is facedown, then there's most likely a reason for it. He doesn't trust who or what could pop up on there and he clearly doesn't want you seeing. Although I'm not particularly interested in what's popping up on their phones, putting them face down says more about the guy than you think it does.

To reiterate, it's okay to be picky ladies, you're young, there's no rush. Remember these tips next time you're on a date or seeing someone, and keep in mind: they're on their best behavior when you're dating. Then ask yourself, what will they be like when they're comfortable? Years down the road? Is this what I really want? If you ask yourself these questions you might be down the same road I have stumbled upon, being too picky.. and that's better than settling. :)

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If You THINK You're Too Dependent On Your Boyfriend, You Probably Are

Depend on yourself before you depend on him.


Don't get me wrong, having a boyfriend and being in love is an incredible feeling. But when you depend on your boyfriend for everything and forget how to do things on your own, it becomes a major problem. You might not see it but your family and friends do. Yes he's your boyfriend and of course, you want to spend every single second with him but you can't carry him around in the back of your pocket for the rest of your life. So here's to the girls who are too dependent on your boyfriends, I think you girls might want to hear this.

First and foremost, I completely understand what it's like to be in love and want to spend every second with your boyfriend. I get that he is one of your best friends, one of the people you can trust the most, one of the sources of your happiness, one of your stress relievers, one of the things that brings you comfort, one of the people you can rant to for anything, one of the people that you can cry to about anything, one of the people that you want to make memories with, one of the people that you want to spend the rest of your life with and so much more.

Did you notice I said one of, for all that? He is just one of the people you can go to for all of that, not the only one. You have friends and family who can do all of that too. And trust me, we want to. While yes you might prefer him to those other people, it's still important to keep your friends and family in the loop of what's going on in your life and it's even more important just to keep them in your life.

When you choose your boyfriend over your friends and family for everything, you're slowly pushing them out of your life. I, and everyone else who's been where I have been, completely understand if you already have plans with your boyfriend, or if something is going on you want to spend time with him. But to blow off your friends every single time for him is a slap in the face to us. Or to invite him to everything we do is another slap in the face. Of course as friends and family, we want to spend time with your boyfriend but it gets awkward third wheeling.

Go out with your family and friends without him sometimes and make tons of memories, as you did before. Rant and cry to friends and family sometimes instead, we care about you and your feelings, just as much as he does... maybe, even more, when you guys are fighting. When you don't talk to or see your friends and family without him there, you're pretty much telling us that you don't like being around us and that by bringing him, it makes it more bearable for you.

With that being said, you have to let him do the same. You have to let him have time for his family and friends without you. It looks super weird that you follow him around like a lost little puppy dog. Let him have time with the guys, without you being there or showing up at some point. To tag along to every little thing he does isn't healthy. Tagging along to everything thing your boyfriend does, probably makes his friends, a little uncomfortable, especially when they want their guy time and you're the only girl and they don't want you to feel awkward or left out. Or his family wants to spend time with just him and catch up.

Do things apart from each other, so when you are together you have stories to tell and pictures to show them.

Speaking of doing things apart from each other. Don't let an amazing opportunity slip away because you have to spend time away from your boyfriend. Did I leave my boyfriend to do the Disney College Program, hell yes I did. Am I going to apply again in August or maybe January? Hell yes, I am. Don't be afraid to explore things without him, even if it makes you uncomfortable, because you never know when you might get a great opportunity again.

Learning to do things alone is scary, I get it. But don't base your schedule around his, I've seen so many girls do this and it just back fries in the end. Unless you have kids, you do not plan your schedules around him or know where he is at every single second.

You never know, one day he might not be there anymore, and if you're always with your boyfriend and forgetting about friends and family, you might not have them either. And then what? Who do you depend on?

I wish you all would learn to depend on yourself before you depend completely on your boyfriend for everything. You are capable of so many things alone. You might feel like your boyfriend completes you and makes you whole, but in reality, you were already complete without him. He's just an added bonus. Don't give up your friends, family, and life because you want to be attached at the hip. You might lose more than you gain by doing that.

This goes for couples who have been dating for all lengths of time. It could be six months or six years.

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