It has been about 7 months since our harmful relationship and the two questions that still come to my mind are "how" and "why?" How did I not realize what it was doing to my life? Why did I let someone control me like that? They are questions that still linger in my head today.
I was new to the single world since I just got out of an almost two-year relationship. I met you about a month later and I thought you were something special. It was new and different to me to be seen with someone else and it took some getting used to.
A month or so passes and you asked me to be your girlfriend. I was hesitant at first since it was still new to me to be single, but I ended up giving you a chance. At first, everything was like a fairy tale while I was with you. From the dates we went on to all the times we hung out, it was all so much fun. And then one day, everything changed for the worst for some reason that I still do not know of.
You started telling me what I could and could not wear. If I wore leggings, I was a whore. If I wore jeans without a belt, I was a slut. The only thing I could wear to somewhat please you were sweatpants and a sweatshirt, but you would still call me unattractive. You said I was only in a male-dominated sport because I wanted to pick up guys, even though I've been in it since I was a little girl.
You ended up breaking up with me because of commitments you had in the summer but you told me you still wanted to talk and have a romantic relationship. I was told by you that I couldn't talk to or hang out with any guys, even my guy friends since middle school.
But you could talk and hang out with any girl you pleased. You would lie to me about where you were going, but if you would check my location and I wasn't home, you would yell at me for hours about it, even if I was just at a friend's house. It didn't make sense to me but I didn't say anything because I wanted to please you. In my eyes, you were everything to me at the moment. And in your eyes, I was just another person in your life.
As another month passes, I am still dragging along behind you while you stomp all over me. I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression thanks to you. I was becoming so cautious of everything I was doing. My least favorite thing was when you would keep me up until 3 A.M. on school nights because you would always have me wondering what I was doing wrong.
The constant questions that would take over my mind were, "is he going to be mad if I do this?", "will he yell at me if he finds out I went here?" It was becoming very unhealthy. I started appreciating the good days we had because I was almost crying tears of joy when it wasn't a bad one.
The day that I will never forget finally arrives. The day you finally snapped and told me to "off myself" because no one will care, no one loves me, I'm crazy, all these hurtful insults, all coming at once. This is the day I attempted to leave this world because of the words you said and the way you treated me. I admitted myself to get help and I just want you to know that that was not me giving up, but me finally standing up for myself and realizing what you were doing to me.
It has now been seven months since that day. I have never been happier. I never deserved the harmful words you would say to me, I did not deserve to be used by you. I do not deserve to be used by anyone. I want to forgive you, but I don't know if I am ready for that quite yet.
One day though, I know it will finally hit you, you will realize what you had with me and you will miss it. I am glad that you were part of my life though. I now know what not to look for in a relationship. I know the red flags. I never did you wrong, and you will notice that sooner or later.
I deserve to be happy and I finally am again.