Asheville, N.C. — After a night of trading his usual Coors Light for a 7.5% ABV craft beer, Columbia, South Carolina, native Chad Peterson wakes up Sunday morning to realize that everything he had drunkenly done in Beer City USA the night before still had the same repercussions as everywhere else.
From the hours of 3 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Saturday, Chad was spotted throughout the Downtown Asheville area with a couple of friends who came into town for a "bro's weekend out." In this short span of time, the men claim to have gone to seven breweries, three cocktail bars, and two questionable establishments, of which all three of the men do not seem to recall the actual title but state that "there was probably alcohol there, and we definitely drank it."
"I thought Asheville was the land of milk and honey, you know... only with beer," Chad claims the next morning. "I just assumed everyone here got wasted and did whatever they wanted."
The first report of Chad's tirade came from him walking through the restricted part of a local brewery that was clearly marked with a sign that stated, "Warning, Caustic Acid." Although not hurt by the accident, Chad was soon removed from the scene as he tried to scale some of the beer tanks in the nearby area. When interviewed about the incident, Head Brewer Scott Malaney stated that Chad was not the first tourist "To be a f°cking idiot," nor would he be the last.
"I like to think that one of [these tourists] will end up dying from it one day... but I guess that would be bad for business."
Chad was also reported grabbing for his waitress's breast at a local gastropub, after which he was promptly taken by his shirt collar and thrown into the road by a furious restaurant manager.
Eye witnesses say that in an effort to explain himself, Chad reportedly screamed after the fuming manager from his seated position in the middle of South Lexington, stating his confusion between free love and sexual harassment.
"I just assumed this town ran on '60s logic," Chad later explains. "She had tattoos and dreads, so I just assumed she's gotta be into all that hippie sh*t."
The night continued with a loud bellowing of inappropriate noises, a run-in with a crust punk and writing his name in sharpie over a city mural until finally, Chad was forced to call it a night after asking a cop where he could "score some Molly."
Through further investigation, Chad seemed to remember only bits and pieces of the incident as the next day unfolded—repeatedly groaning, "Oh God, don't tell my girlfriend," as the past day's events trickled back into memory.
Although further investigation is still needed, it is predicted that Chad's actions will be repeated as he is already slated to visit the city again for a Bachelor Party Weekend.
