I have written you many a letter. You have read many of them, and there are some I will never have the courage to share with you. You have read most of these I will include already but I feel incomplete without telling you everything in at least some form.I never even know where to begin with you because there is so much to share with you.

There are so many things I absolutely love about you, and a few that make me barely able to breathe. Here are some of the things I love:

You are one of the few people I can be broken around, when I am around you I am able to instantly feel more comfortable. As cliche as it sounds, my walls all come down.

You are one of the only people to have heard me cry, and by that I mean the scrunchie-pug-face, Kim K-Ugly tear streaming cry.

You are always able to stay calm, yet you never judge me for the few times I get overwhelmed

You barely say anything, yet, when you do speak it is almost always what I needed to hear

You can make me smile even when that is the last thing I want to do.

You can make all my worst fears disappear, you can make me worthwhile… like I matter

You can make me feel loved by you, which is almost impossible for me

Here are some of the times I am barely able to breathe when I am with you:

When you feel emotions you don’t understand you shut down, you stop communicating and try not to feel

When I finally began to let you in you got scared, scared you were finally about to get everything you always wanted and it wouldn’t live up to your expectations

When I am able to understand your emotions better than you

When I am not with you

Here are some of the notes I have written you:

“I have to tell you… you do not need to respond right away and I am sorry I keep pressuring you I am just scared I will lose you. But no matter what you say, or how much you hurt me I will always be there for you and love you. I am done being scared that you will never love me even as a friend because it doesn’t matter. I will say it as many times as you need to hear it. “

“ I am just scared… that a month from now you will seem to want a chance to be close to me and then tell me I am not important…”

“ Every time I tell you I love you I smile because I finally am not roped into this idea that love because I finally am not roped into this idea that love doesn’t mean anything unless you are loved back. But I feel like I am loosing a piece of myself. Because I know exactly how you feel. I know you are scared for whatever reason. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t right. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t open up and finally tell me how you feel.”

“ I want to be that person for you, I will be there for you every moment of every day. I will listen to your fears, your aspirations; every doubt you’ve ever had, every jow you want. I pray for you often, think of you often, and love you always.

“ I will be everything you need and if I ever fear I am not enough, I will be better..”

“ For some reason I love you more than you could ever imagine, something always brings me back to you, for some reason I would give you so many chances to be in my life because I see the best in you. No matter what you do to me, I have defended you… no matter how many people try to convince me to let you go… I still pray for you every day and think of you often you are still one of my best friends. I always come back to you, and maybe I always will.”

Those are just some of the things I have always wanted to share with you. Most would call you my “one who got away”, yet, I think, in the future that will be what you will say about me. Just as you have many times before. I will be more at ease because I have done everything I can. I was there for you every minute of every day. I loved you always. I love you always