Ever since I could remember, I’ve wanted facial hair. The thought of running my fingers through face pubes had always induced a little perspiration. It wasn’t until I befriended a kid named Puberty that I finally achieved my childhood dream of sporting hair around my lips.
Since then, I’ve been a confident man who doesn’t back down from anything. I attribute my mustache to most of my recent good fortunes, like attending Indiana University and not gaining the dreaded “Freshman 15."
With that being said, I have committed my academic time recently to studying and documenting many styles of facial hair. So, without further adieu, let me lead you through the nation's current top five styles of facial hair.
5. The Question Mark.
Hey man, not everyone is socially “with it”, and if that is your case, then this style is just for you! A question mark wrapped around one’s lips exclaims one thing: “I don’t know what is going on.” I’d also recommend this facial hair style to private detectives.
4. The Basement Dweller.
Your mom was wrong when she said you’re going nowhere in life. She doesn’t know you at all, let alone a rocking facial hair style. Connecting your head hair with your facial hair is the quickest way to achieving eternal happiness and a bedroom in your parents’ basement.
3. The Halfster.
You class clown, you. Your beard is really funny because it's half bushy, half shaven. This style is so funny. You got to be really funny to sport this style because it is so zany! Are you funny? If so, this style is for you!
2. The Batman Symbol.
Single? Bullied throughout your high school years? Lonely? If you said “yes” to at least one of these questions, then this style is right up your alley. With sporting the Batman symbol around your lips, you are proving to your high school bullies that you are, in fact, still the same loser they picked on.
1. The “I’ve Given Up On Everything And Plan On Living Alone For The Rest Of My Life”.
Having a soulmate is so overrated. What better way of proclaiming that then rocking this facial hair style?! With growing your beard out as long as it possibly can, you are sending a message to the ladies that subtlety says, “Stay away.” Having three cats and multiple subscriptions to adult websites is the way of the future and you, my friend, are already there!
So there you have it, the top 5 facial hair styles currently in the nation. Do you see yourself having any of these styles? If yes, what the hell are you doing. Grab your razor, and SHAVE. Then again, if you have any form of facial hair, do yourself a favor and just shave it all off. Trust me, "testing it out" could quickly turn you into one of these dudes...