The Top 5 Facial Hair Styles

The Top 5 Facial Hair Styles


Ever since I could remember, I’ve wanted facial hair. The thought of running my fingers through face pubes had always induced a little perspiration. It wasn’t until I befriended a kid named Puberty that I finally achieved my childhood dream of sporting hair around my lips. 

Since then, I’ve been a confident man who doesn’t back down from anything. I attribute my mustache to most of my recent good fortunes, like attending Indiana University and not gaining the dreaded “Freshman 15."  

With that being said, I have committed my academic time recently to studying and documenting many styles of facial hair. So, without further adieu, let me lead you through the nation's current top five styles of facial hair.

5. The Question Mark. 

Hey man, not everyone is socially “with it”, and if that is your case, then this style is just for you! A question mark wrapped around one’s lips exclaims one thing: “I don’t know what is going on.” I’d also recommend this facial hair style to private detectives.

4. The Basement Dweller.

Your mom was wrong when she said you’re going nowhere in life. She doesn’t know you at all, let alone a rocking facial hair style. Connecting your head hair with your facial hair is the quickest way to achieving eternal happiness and a bedroom in your parents’ basement.

3. The Halfster.

You class clown, you. Your beard is really funny because it's half bushy, half shaven. This style is so funny. You got to be really funny to sport this style because it is so zany! Are you funny? If so, this style is for you!

2. The Batman Symbol.

Single? Bullied throughout your high school years? Lonely? If you said “yes” to at least one of these questions, then this style is right up your alley. With sporting the Batman symbol around your lips, you are proving to your high school bullies that you are, in fact, still the same loser they picked on.

1. The “I’ve Given Up On Everything And Plan On Living Alone For The Rest Of My Life”. 

Having a soulmate is so overrated. What better way of proclaiming that then rocking this facial hair style?! With growing your beard out as long as it possibly can, you are sending a message to the ladies that subtlety says, “Stay away.” Having three cats and multiple subscriptions to adult websites is the way of the future and you, my friend, are already there!

So there you have it, the top 5 facial hair styles currently in the nation. Do you see yourself having any of these styles? If yes, what the hell are you doing. Grab your razor, and SHAVE. Then again, if you have any form of facial hair, do yourself a favor and just shave it all off. Trust me, "testing it out" could quickly turn you into one of these dudes...

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.


So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?



Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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