You live in Illinois, and so do 12.88 million other people, so you know you're a special snowflake! Even though you've seen a million articles about "things only people from Illinois understand," allow me to regurgitate them to you!
1. You love Portillo's!
Hot dogs are great! Fun fact: only people from Illinois like hot dogs. Funner fact: Portillo's has the best hot dogs! Have you ever heard anyone from Illinois talk about Portillo's? I sure haven't! Also, if you put ketchup on your hot dog, you and your entire family deserve to disappear in a gulag. Forever.
2. You're from Chicago!
Da Bears! Da Bulls!
It's pretty easy to spot someone from Chicago. They call their sneakers jimmies, their soda pop, and they pronounce Chicago like "ChicAAAAHHHgo." How adorable. However, you must be very careful not to call the Sears Tower the Willis Tower. Chicagoans will descend upon you like a pack of rabid wolves on a wounded fawn. The only way to calm them down is to take them to the local Portillo's. Did I mention Portillo's? It's so good!
3. You have an Illinois license plate!
It's so weird, every person I've met who's bought a car in Illinois has an Illinois plate! So weird! It's like all of us are telepathically linked! And what's the best thing about having a license plate? You can legally drive! And what better way to celebrate this new found freedom than to drive down to your local Portillo's! God I love Portillo's. Did you know I like Portillo's? Because I do.
4. You rub the nose on your Lincoln statue every day!
Every true Illinoisian's home has one of these bad boys laying around somewhere. Come on, admit it! Everyone knows that if you forget to rub Lincoln's nose before you start your day, you condemn Illinois to 1000 years of darkness. Don't be THAT GUY who forgets! Personally, my Lincoln statue stands in the middle of a pentagram made of Portillo's hot dogs. Only the best for Honest Abe!
5. You don't pronounce the "S" in Illinois!
You'll never hear someone from Illinois say that dreaded "S"! Everybody knows it's silent. I don't know what kind of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, brain-dead neanderthal would say the "S" out loud. Those people need to be reminded to breathe every so often because they'd forget on their own. Absolute idiots. God, I'm getting so mad just thinking about it! But, as we all know, the only cure for such degeneracy is to engorge myself in Portillo's until I see God.