My roommate and fellow writer Benny James wrote an article last week detailing his favorite instruments (see here), and I felt it necessary to post a list in response. I should clarify that this list is made in jest and good fun, and I am biased as a musician myself. If you are a musician who plays an instrument that I bash, please don't take it personally. Everyone who pursues music is equally valid, regardless of instrument. With that out of the way, let's rank some instruments.
10. Viola.
This is a rather unusual choice, as violas are often seen as the laughing stock of the orchestra. For instance, how do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case. All jokes aside, the viola has a timber that I find rather attractive, and viola players are much nicer than violin players. All those jokes about violas produce an instrumentalist that can take a joke and doesn't take life too seriously. I always enjoy having a viola player around, if only to deflect onto when my friends are roasting me,
9. French Horn.
The French horn is one of my favorite instruments in the right circumstances. It produces a noble sound that can carry above the orchestra, and it is my favorite instrument to hear solos from in an orchestral work. 'Why is it so far down the list then' you ask? The spit. Sweet lord almighty the spit. I get that playing a brass instrument can cause a lot of "condensation" on the inside of your instrument, but good god can you please not obsess over emptying it onto the stage? I once stage managed a concert with only two French Horns, and afterward, the whole area they were sitting in was covered in about a quarter of an inch of spit. The instrument is nice, but please clean up after yourselves.
8. Trumpet.
This instrument has some similar problems as the French horn (a Common theme of brass instruments) but to a lesser degree. Plus as a bass-baritone soloist, The Trumpet Shall Sound is one of my favorite solos to sing. Trumpets are the pinnacle of brass instruments in my eyes, and one of the best parts of jazz music. Trumpet fanfares make for some incredibly rousing moments in any symphony (Tuba Mirum from Verdi's Requiem, anybody?). While I do find that trumpets can have a tendency to be obnoxiously loud, but so can I, so that's ok.
Dishonorable Mention No 1: The Trombone.
Oh trombones, you make me sad. I appreciate the value of having a workout while you play music, but that slide just looks obnoxious and distracting, plus it always looks like trombonists are working too hard. I also can't call myself a fan of their sound. If I want my brass to play low, I'll get a tuba.
7. Clarinet.
The clarinet makes an appearance as the first woodwind on this list. I must say, the clarinet doesn't do anything that particularly catches my attention, but that's just why I like it. It helps fill out the orchestral woodwinds but doesn't demand attention the way that an oboe does. Clarinetists also tend to be rather agreeable in musical settings. Aside from the constant worries over RP's (reed problems for you non-woodwind types), they have very few annoying habits. The clarinet is a solid instrument that is well-rounded and well suited for many situations.
6. Bassoon.
The bassoon occupies a special place in my heart as it is the instrument that has a range closest to mine. I can't really put my finger on why I like the bassoon so much. Maybe it's the funny shape? Maybe it's the duck-like sound it produces? Maybe it's the shenanigans that bassoon players always seem to be getting up to?
5. Cello.
The cello holds the distinction of being the string instrument that I hate the least. Cellos are free from the squeaky nature of their smaller cousins, but they are still portable and versatile, unlike their morbidly obese relative, the bass. Cello suites are the only pieces of instrumental music that I don't fall asleep to, so that must count for something.
Dishonorable Mention Number 2:
All baroque instruments (except the Harpsichord, that one's cool). I get the appeal of playing a period instrument, but there's a reason we have new ones. Baroque instruments have this strange tendency to play horribly out of tune, and the people who play them are often quick to inform you that they play a baroque instrument. Just play Bach on a normal instrument like everyone else, it won't kill you to put the recorder down. And smash it.
4. Timpani/Bass drum.
If timpani is what gives an orchestra life, then the bass drum is the rollercoaster that nearly kills you, but is still mindbogglingly fun. A well-scored timpani part gives the orchestra the feeling of purpose that you just can't get with strings or winds. The bass drum is a similar instrument, and I couldn't decide between the two so I smushed them together into one entry. The bass drum earns this spot through one moment and one moment only. Verdi Requiem, Dies Irae, measures 11 and 12. No moment has ever replicated the feeling of a bass drum blasting 20 feet away from you. I honestly felt as though a fissure had opened up in the ground and the forces of hell were upon me.
3. Piano.
The piano is an instrument that I have had a long, albeit troubled, relationship with. I started piano at the age of three, and I rarely enjoyed practicing. All that being said, my mother (also my piano teacher) was often quick to point out that every time I had friends over, I would always migrate to the piano so that I could play for them. Something about the piano has always captivated me, if only subconsciously. Even now as I write this list, the piano was the first instrument I thought of, even though it isn't number 1.
2. Organ.
The organ is like the piano, but bigger and more fun. There's nothing quite like feeling when the 32-foot pipes kick in at the end of a massive hymn. It's incredibly satisfying to hear a good organist go absolutely nuts on Ein Feste Burg, and watching an organist playing four keyboards and a foot pedalboard is one of the most intimidating displays of musicianship I have ever witnessed.
Dishonorable Mention NO 3: The saxophone.
Woah boy, the saxophone. Anyone who knows me personally knows I hold a deep personal grudge against the saxophone. I don't particularly know why. Maybe I was just born with half a brain and an ear for tuning. I prefer to listen to instruments that can play in tune with themselves. Don't look for me at any saxophone recitals.
1. Voice.
Here's where my biases come into play. I can already here you orchestra nerds going 'But the voice isn't a real instrument.' Shut up, yes it is. The thing that I love about the voice is how personal it is. When you hear two phenomenal pianists play, you can't tell them apart based purely on their sound. With two vocalists, even a layperson can tell at least some difference. The versatility that the voice offers is beyond anything any other instrument can achieve. From Opera to Lieder to Jazz to Rock to Pop to Death Metal to even Country, voices can do it all.
I hope I haven't severely offended anyone with this article, it is meant as a joke after all. If you have any personal qualms with my list, you are perfectly welcome to make your case for why your instrument should be included. Just hit me up at 1-800-433-2BAD or email me at wowtellmemore@thatstough.com.
