Signing into Twitter Thursday afternoon, I thought it would be a normal scroll through my newsfeed. I would retweet a couple of cleverly sarcastic posts and favorite some relatable things my friends said. I was mistaken. As soon as the website loaded, my eyes were pulled toward the number one worldwide trending topic. It was a phrase, one that made my heart shatter into a million pieces, my stomach drop to the depths below. I was a deer in headlights, my whole world coming to a stand still. #OneDirectionIsOverParty.

For a long three minutes I sat in my desk chair, staring at my computer screen. I processed every word, analyzing each and every letter, hoping they would somehow disappear. They didn’t. I could hear the last four and a half years of my life being crumbled up like a piece of paper and tossed into a trash can. How? How could something consume so much of your life and then become just a memory? In that moment, it felt like everything was a waste, my whole life a lie. I felt betrayed.

I considered gathering all of my One Direction merchandise I had accumulated over the years and attempt some voodoo witchcraft sort of thing, in hopes of conjuring the band back to life. It took only 30 seconds and one Google search to realize that not only was that implausible, but the thought also classified me as a division one psychopath. So instead, I resorted to researching into the hashtag.

It didn’t take long amongst the sea of heartbroken and confused tweets to learn what caused this catastrophe. Liam had announced that he signed a new recording contract as a solo artist. Ergo, he has publicly left One Direction. Another one bites the dust. With Zayn's booming solo career and Harry starring in a war movie with supposed music on the way, the future of One Direction did not look too promising. But now, that was three down and realistically, the two remaining could not carry the legacy of a five-piece boy band on their own. No offense to Niall and Louis, love you lots. That being said, One Direction had unofficially, officially called it quits.

I had to bite back tears, willing myself not to cry as the facts sunk in. The little progress I had made with my “get over One Direction, more specifically Harry Styles” intervention diminished as all the walls I created came tumbling down. It was as if the world was falling apart. But in my dread, nearly the whole world was rejoicing. In fact, I’m sure some of you are snickering to yourselves, eyes twinkling with delight. For the past 6 years, One Direction has been categorized as a “bubblegum pop” sort of genre, their mild transition to “pop rock” music doing little to their reputation. If you weren't a 12 year old girl with a high pitched scream, you'd be ridiculed for liking the band. A large portion of the world found the group overrated and untalented, they didn't understand all the excitement. But to the few reading this that have ever referred to themselves as a “Directioner,” I grieve with you.

One Direction claimed the past four and a half years of my life as their own. I saw them in concert 10 times and met them once. I bought their music and merchandise as if money was no object. I spent all of my time, including that of which I was supposed to be doing homework and chores, watching interviews and performances on YouTube. I was a dedicated fan. My whole family and friends who were fortunate enough not to be sucked into this phenomenon hated every minute of my obsession. I would blast their songs and replay the same one over and over again until I found a new favorite. One Direction became the sole reason of my existence, and yet I was, and still am completely and utterly embarrassed by them.

Since 2012, I have loathed my love for the band. I hate the fact that four and a half years my life have been completely affected by everything they do. Every sad song or rumored girlfriend caused me heartbreak. Every award won, record broken, #1 single gave me as much happiness as it did them. And I hated every minute of it.

Yet, I wouldn't trade the emotional roller coaster (that is life) for a thing. We don't get to choose the people we love or the things we like and we can't just stop caring for something because we want to. In March of 2012 I became smitten with the One Direction boys and to this day, I continue to support and root for their success. I thought this was a forever thing; that I would be 65 at MetLife stadium, earplugs in my ears but screaming along to their songs, nonetheless. I hoped for new songs to sing along to in the car, windows down with my friends by my side. I wanted more. But, you can't always get what you want. So, thank you One Direction for giving me an absolutely mental four and a half years. I hope to see you boys again soon.