“Sorry, not sorry” has become a commonly used phrase among millennials and adults alike, and it functions as a staple in some of our day to day conversations, as well as songs (Demi Lovato; I'm talking about you). While it is mostly joking and used ironically, I think it’s actually something highly overlooked. Have you ever really sat and thought about how much you apologize in a day, week, month, etc.? When you bump into someone, you’re likely going to apologize, even if it was their fault. When you don’t hold the door long enough for someone, you may secretly say sorry. Why do we want to apologize so much?
Someone once told me “don’t be so quick to apologize, because you diminish yourself when you do.” Obviously, this doesn’t relate to when an actual apology is due, but more of those times when you just feel like you should apologize, but you can’t even justify why you’re apologizing. For example, I often feel like I'm talking too much in class, and taking away the spotlight from someone else. This sometimes makes me feel guilty, and makes me feel like I should be starting every sentence with “I'm sorry for being a time hog but...” In reality, this is not something I should need to apologize for. If no one else is raising their hands, I should be able to give my opinion as well.
This feeling of needing to apologize comes into play in a lot of aspects of my life. It comes into play in my relationships with other people, with my academics, with my professional position, and pretty much every other possible part of my life. It definitely has a lot to do with how I am as a person, and not wanting other people to feel upset because of something I may or may not have done. I don’t want someone to be annoyed or hurt or angry but something within my control, so I usually default to saying “I'm sorry” when it isn’t always the right thing to say. I'm sure other people can relate to that as well because we don’t like to be uncomfortable, and more importantly, we don’t like to handle the aftermath of the discomfort. But if it means diminishing yourself, or putting the inappropriate blame on yourself that you don’t deserve, bite your tongue. Let there be discomfort, as long as you know you were not in the wrong. Let people understand that an apology is not the correct response 100% of the time.
My advice to you if you say I’m sorry as much as I do is to try this. When you feel like saying you’re sorry for something that doesn’t deserve an apology, try replacing it with thank you instead, and I think you’ll find yourself going through life in a very different way. Try something like this: say you’re running late to meet a friend and your first thought is “I'm sorry I'm late.” Instead, you could say “thank you for waiting for me.” This could work with most examples you may find yourself in. If you feel like you’re overbearing, tell them you appreciate their patience with you, and for understanding. If you feel like apologizing for something out of your control, find another way to handle the conversation. Don’t lower yourself to an apology when an apology is not needed. I promise once you start viewing your life this way, you'll feel much more in control, and empowered by your own confidence in yourself (like Demi in her music video).
It’s OK to be uncomfortable because that’s how we learn what comfort is. Of course, this is not sound information for a time when you dump coffee on someone or accidentally punch them in the mouth, or purposely offend or hurt someone, but use your discretion. Try not to demean your own character at the expense of someone else’s. The moral of the story? You’re only human, and you’re not expected to be perfect. Anyone who has an issue with that, well… #SorryNotSorry
