Bad days are not a sign of regression; they are normal. You have lost someone so important to your life. The impact they have had on you will always exist and will always be a part of you. Of course, you're going to have days where it is the most painful, gut-wrenching sorrow that seems never ending. They will still be with you wherever you go, and sometimes the reminder that they aren't physically, is too much to bear. But that doesn't mean you aren't getting better.
Crying is not weakness; it is vulnerability. It is strength. To feel unbearable pain, so much pain that your body needs to release it, and to be able to keep on going after. That is strength. Not weakness.
I have good days and bad days. My mind comprehends that God has a better plan for me than I could possibly have for myself. It's my heart, though, that is having a hard time understanding how to hold and process all of the pain without bursting into tears at any given minute.
It is okay to be sad, cry, grieve, release. You don't always have to hold it together. Sometimes life is hard and things hurt, but that is ok. Embrace the suck, but do not let it consume you.
I have learned that grief will be your most faithful and enduring companion. Do not let this discourage you. To have lost something necessarily means that you had it. You had something so great, wonderful, powerful, and nothing – not even space, nor time– will ever take that from you.
A change of tense from "have" to "had" lessens nothing. I am not going to lie, how you are feeling is never going to change. Emotions are like water; your feelings will change and cycle in a never ending madness, but that is okay. Time does not heal all wounds. Some of the pain will become part of who you are.
As much as you will never feel a pain like this, sadness like this, emptiness like this, or grief like this…one day, you WILL feel a joy like this. Life is a study in contrasting extremes and we do not get to one edge without approaching the other. One day, sooner than you know, you will laugh harder than you have ever laughed before. You will smile when once you would have frowned. You will cry happy tears instead of sad tears. I promise that to you. Myself and many others will fight so that you may have that joy.
Be strong and know that you are in God's hands. Everything will work out. It may not be today or tomorrow, but eventually the pieces will fall into place and you will understand why the battle was so worth it. The rain clouds return to the sky, as does the sun, the moon, and the stars. Your heart is allowed to cry as much as it is to laugh. Feel what makes your pulse race in the early hours. Good is coming your way soon. Be here to experience it.
Tomorrow will hurt less.
Love,
Me.
