Muscles, Cars, Sports, Money, and Girls. That is all that matters. Boys will be Boys. Man Up. Toughen Up. Be A Man. Every boy and man has heard this. Always use your hands. Don’t cry. Don’t sit like that. Don’t stand like that. Don’t Talk About Your Feelings. Get Over It! Find a beautiful girl to be with. You need to get laid. Don’t be a pussy! Clothes make the man. This list could go on…

When I think of the journey from boyhood to manhood, it ends with a question- Am I really a man? I then start to go down the aforementioned imaginary list that “being a man” is defined by. I don’t know if I can call myself a man. I have never had a girlfriend. The last time I played sports I was eleven years old. I don’t have six pack abs. I don’t have muscles. I don’t go to the gym. I’m single. I am clueless when it comes to sex. I cry a lot. I’m very sensitive. I am very quiet. Am I a Man?

My journey consisted of being bullied from age 5 to age 15- called every name from “sissy” to “faggot.” I remember going to a male teacher one day after being made fun of and being told “toughen up, be a man.” I remember loathing P.E every single day because of having to go to the locker room. Being harassed and freaked out by the upperclassmen because I still hadn’t developed. Being chastised by the male members of my family for not liking sports and seen as an anomaly for not having a girlfriend and not being interested.

I’m only able to talk about this now because I’ve come to terms with my own definition of a man. I bet there are other men with the same stories who don’t know how to talk about it or come to terms with it. Then all of a sudden it becomes a wonder why most rapists and sex offenders end up being male. Why male students underperform or disengage at almost every stage of school? Why most athletes have domestic violence and sexual assault charges. Why most men cheat and end up divorced. We’re told to be a man. We’re not taught to be a man.

Telling a boy to “be a man” but not showing him examples of such is damaging. Almost as damaging as showing them bad examples such as disrespecting a woman, favoring athletics over academics, or disrespecting other boys and men that seem less masculine. When I think of the lives of boys and men, I think of a box of limited choices accepted by society. We can be an athlete, a firefighter, a police officer, a businessman, a soldier, a trainer, a coach, etc.

These occupations are very commendable and should continue to be pursued but what is wrong with telling a boy he can be an artist? Or a dancer? A chef? A fashion designer? An Olympic gymnast? When I said I wanted be a writer there were many that said, “That’s not a real job,” “why would want to do that? That’s what girls do.”

Another problem with being a boy or man is constantly being compared to girls and women. The gender dynamic in our culture sets up a unconscious sense of competition among the sexes. Men feel because they are told they are the stronger sex they are entitled to everything in life and a woman is seen as an obstacle in that endeavor. Boys and men are taught being a girl is a sign of weakness and a sign of failure. I remember being at a Walmart and seeing a boy who looked approximately 8 years old and his mother at a register. He was carrying two bags of groceries and told his mother, “mom they’re heavy.” His mother proceeded to respond “what are you? A girl.”

In that mere response, that mother has taught her son to equate weakness with women and that then can and will transpire into more fatal thinking. Whether it be from the outside world or amongst each other, the ways we are reared have repercussions years into our adulthood. Here I am in my twenties and I was able to describe my experiences over a decade ago. The words have passed but the memory and the feeling is still relevant to how I live my life as a man everyday.