Today I realized that I was white.

Today was the first time my privilege hit me in the face. I guess it’s been a process that led me here, but today was the first time I really noticed how far I’ve come in acknowledging, in some small sense, my place in our society. In my Law and Inequality class, I read about reparations, affirmative action and integrated housing. But on Facebook I see my classmates, my friends and my mentors share their struggles as black people in the United States. I see the words “Black Lives Matter” over and over again, but despite seeing them so frequently only today did I feel them with an indescribable intensity. I see the struggle, the pain and the fear in the dark brown eyes sitting across from me in the dining hall. And today, they made me realize how white I am. How privileged I am. How secure I feel.

But this is a false sense of security. Because a world that is not safe for everyone will never truly be safe to me. No matter how quiet I am. No matter how much I try to ignore my privilege. By not standing up and starting to acknowledge this problem, I am perpetuating the culture of institutionalized racism that I claim to despise despite my own inaction.

By starting to understand, to learn and to break down my own wall of ignorance, I will be able to finally stand with my friends, but never in their shoes, because I could never pretend to know what their struggles feel like.

Today, I realized that I am white. That is an important first step.