To Who I Used To Be,
This isn't easy to write, but the hard stuff normally isn't. I know you feel scared, hopeless, and disappointed beyond degree. I know you are so tired, emotionally you're are exhausted. You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I know your heart aches the most when you see others doing was you should be doing. You see your friends graduating college, getting married. You see others going to class perfectly content with their singleness. You hear about the outings and the hangovers. You hear all about the homework and how stressed they are about exams. Yeah, you smile to hide the ache inside of you that tells you that should be you. The hurt and disappointment makes you angry, because it's not your fault. You didn't ask for these circumstances.
So this is a goodbye. Goodbye to the girl I used to be, and to the life I pictured that I would have.
What I missed most about you, was your courage. You were so beautiful, and bright. You had an un touchable fire and confidence about you. You thought you could conquer the world, you knew your identity. You were a wide eyed, innocent mess.
Now, you are broken. You have lost your confidence and you somewhere along the way you lost your fire, and you were forced to grow up too quickly. You lost your innocence too young.
Things are different. You're sad now, and you feel heavy hearted. You're stuck, you don't know how to make it out of the rut you've found yourself in. You question yourself and your life, you are lost in every sense of the word. You have all these "expectations" and "requirements" you have out on yourself. You are running yourself in circles trying to keep your "I'm Fine" facade up at all times, because you are scared that if anyone actually saw you they would reject you. You're scared to let people know just how hurt you are, because what happens if it's just TOO messy? You are scared that your family and friends see you as an inconvenience or just something/someone else to take care of and worry about. Even though all anyone says is how strong and loved you are. You need to believe it.
If I could ask the past me anything it would be one word, "Why?". Why did you allow someone to steal your fire? Why did you give someone the power to hurt you? Why did you let them have all these years? Why have you spend so much time sad about loosing it? Darling, I learned from you that no one can ever steal your light. You gave it to him. Yes, I know he promised you love, a future. He promised to always treasure you he promised you'd always be his. You believed him, you believed that God had sent you your"one". The one your soul loves. I know you poured everything you had into him, you gave him every single part of you.
I also know how crushed and shocked you were when you saw him with some new so soon. Your light was gone, along with him. You lost your hope because he was your hope. He was your rock, he was the one you ran to when the word got to be too much. He was the one that could calm you down with one touch. The one that with one look you had an entire conversation. He was the one that read your mind. He was the one who helped you. He washed your hair he kissed you so sweetly. He treated you like you were the center of his world, you believed it because he was yours. Just like the he was gone. When he left he took pieces of you. Pieces you didn't even know you had. He took a part of your soul, and your spirit with him.
Now all you have been doing is searching, for any thing or any one to fill in that piece. You're searching for something to make you feel what he made you feel. You are looking for anything. To give you closure, to fix you when the world can't fix you. You have done everything, self harm, drugs, guys, alcohol. Those things don't work. It never does. You fell, and now you feel defeated but girl it's time you get up and wash your face, dust off, and put your crown on straight because you are a princess to king of the world. He loves you and wants the best for you.
So your current situation has you down and out. I get it. Remember. Remember your strength. Remember whose hands hold you,. God never meant for us to struggle alone. He wants you. All of you. Trust him. Trust him with your heart and soul. Give him your burdens, worries, and your hurt. He's a big God he can take us being angry and upset with his and our circumstances. So trust him, he knows you Jesus loves you even when you don't love yourself. Remember he is the light, so he can and will restore your light.
Goodbye to my old self.
Goodbye to what I envisioned my life being like.
Hello to new Me, with every flaw, and all the problems. We're working on it.