If you would've told me a year ago that at this point in time I'd be forgiving my abuser I would have told you that you're crazy, but time heals wounds and holding hate in my heart only hurts me.
For a very long time I felt broken and disgusting. I never felt like I could be completely clean no matter how long I sat in the painfully hot shower. I didn't think that I was worth loving because I was told that it was my fault by a lot of people who should have backed me up. To this day I find it hard to look people in the eye and there are very few people that don't make me cringe away from their touch. I still have nightmares about it, and I still wake up afraid, but it's a lot easier now to calm down and go back to sleep.
It took meeting one person working in the back of a fast food restaurant who told me that no matter what the circumstances were it wasn't my fault to finally believe it. I'm not sure that I can ever thank him enough for hugging me so tight that night as I cried. It was incredibly healing and that guy is still one of my best friends. It doesn't always take another person to realize this but if you ever need someone to remind you that in absolutely no way was this ever your fault my information is at the bottom of this article and I will tell you every day all day until you start to believe it.
I didn't realize how harmful bottling up all of that hatred towards another person could possibly be until, no matter how great life started becoming, my depression seemed never ending. I was starting college and making tons of amazing friends and yet I still found myself wanting to lay in bed all day and skip class. After a suicide attempt and months of making everyone else around me miserable, I started to realize the root of the problem. I promised to make myself better mentally and emotionally and it all started with getting rid of the hard feelings.
It wasn't easy I can promise you that but it started with getting all of the people tied with him out of my life. Deleting the negativity was the first step. There was no reason to remain in contact with them. After that, I spent a lot of time focusing on myself if there is any time to be selfish it's now. I can't really describe the process but I will say that one day you'll wake up feeling much lighter and the world looking much brighter and you'll know that you've forgiven someone who by no means deserves it.
You can get through this, I believe in you. You're beautiful and so full of life and love. Don't ever think for one second that it was your fault because it wasn't and if you ever need help or are feeling scared please feel free to contact me. We stand together and the horizon is brighter than ever.
