Sometimes my world can change in a single thought. It's like a superpower that I never asked for and still don't know how to control. It's like my mind is a continuous working factory with no off button, let alone a pause button.
So what goes on in the factory? Well, I think a lot about time, more importantly how I spend it. I question if I'm spending it right or if I'm letting it go to waste. I always try to justify how I spend my time, but deep down I still wonder if I'm telling myself a lie. Is there even a correct way to spend time? Probably not, but I continue to believe that I must always be productive with my time. Sometimes I believe it so much that it stresses me out. I start to contemplate if my time is worth anything if I don't use it properly.
I also think about happiness. But thinking about happiness doesn't equate to feeling happy. On the contrary, it can make me feel sad, or even confused. Thoughts can bubble up to the surface like a boiling pot of water, telling me that I'm indeed- not happy. Conversely, thoughts can sink like anchors, questioning if I even know what makes me happy anymore.
I never know when my mind will turn into a mine field when fears and doubts will start to pour out. Out of nowhere, I can begin to feel lost. It's as if I am screaming but unable to be heard, as if I am surrounded yet still alone, as if I am okay but at the same time not at all. All at once I contemplate every decision I make, every path I take, everything that I choose to be, and everything I choose not to be. It makes me feel a bit crazy that this is how I think sometimes.
I start to wonder if others think like this too... this dark, this deeply.
Everyone has to have dark thoughts sometimes. Our minds aren't filled with rainbows and sunshine, that's for sure. But nobody talks about it. Nobody talks about their dark thoughts. We are reluctant to talk about our own demons. We don't always like to admit what keeps us up at night, what eats away at us. But talking about these thoughts doesn't make you weak, it makes you real. No one has it all together. No one has it all figured out. We fall down, we get lost, and we struggle with what goes on in our heads.
We don't have to be prisoners to our own minds. We have some of the same demons after all. With this in mind, know that it's okay to open up about these things. Confiding in one another helps us understand each other on a different level. We all have our depths that only few discover. Despite how people look on the outside or on their social media, we don't know the half of it. We hardly see the deeper side.
It's the side that says, "Hey, I'm human and I'm complicated." That considered, I respect those who are willing to speak up about these deeper type of thoughts because there are only so many that do. I guess I'm part of that bunch now too. And if you ever feel that your thoughts are getting the best of you, just know that you aren't crazy and you're definitely not alone in it.
