To whomever decided I wasn't good enough for the acting program -- thank you. Thank you for showing me I'm not ready. Not that I'm not capable, because I am, but I'm simply not ready.
I admit, I didn't showcase my talent to the best of my ability. Not because I don't have talent, but because I just didn't let it shine through in my minute monologues, or five minute scenes. I chose pieces that were either too challenging, or not challenging enough; too risky or too over done. I let myself down.
The ironic thing is I didn't pick the first piece out of a Google search. I slaved for days, or weeks for juries, rereading, and narrowing down 50 monologues until I thought I was satisfied. Yet, I still chose poorly due to not knowing my limits, and not knowing myself.
My entire life I've tried fitting into other molds -- a volunteer, a dedicated Christian, an obedient child, a guide and babysitter for my siblings, and (of course) an A-B student. I was fulfilling other people's expectations rather than my own; too busy to want for myself. When I got to college, I finally had a chance to find myself. Unfortunately, I often found myself either in class, or in the library, rather than taking advantage of the new people and experiences.
Luckily, that changed my second semester during intermediate acting. The more I embraced life, the more my fears of failure (ironically) faded. Before a monologue presentation, or even my final exam scene, I realized, "Hey, no butterflies!" My lack of nervousness triggered my last reassuring thought before juries: If nothing else, Sam Houston has given me confidence.
Enough confidence to not let this shake me. You even noted how I seem to have veered from my sheltered, reserved upbringing. That truth is why I will not be discouraged enough to go to one of the back up acting schools I got accepted into. It is why I will stop comparing myself to the Johnny Depp's of the world -- famous at 19 -- and start reminding myself that even Oprah and Allen Rickman had rocky beginnings. It's why I refuse to accept lack of support as an excuse to accept this as a hobby rather than a career.
I still want to learn, and grow, as an actress -- this is the place for me to do it. I thought this when I was auditioning the first time, I think that now, and I will think that always.
So, I'll accept that God's plan for me is a little bit different than my own, and I'll accept this set back as I've accepted every other disappointing and wonderful thing I've experienced at Sam.
I hope you'll accept that you'll be seeing me for auditions this week, juries at the end of the semester, and at every other audition. I will do this until I can be apart of this program -- at that time, I will thank you in person for humbling me.
