To The Person Who Reduced, Reused, and Recycled Me:
As I sit on Narragansett Town Beach, today in Rhode Island, and I watch the new life, toddlers, bop around vibrant sand, I cannot help, but think: No one has broken them, yet. No one has neglected them. No one. They know not of heart break. They know not of cruelty. They know not of hatred. They know not of their "you."
Because of you, I cannot say the same. Pain is like, an aperture in your stomach, as if that was where your soul previously resided. And pain, it is like the wind: you cannot see it, but you can feel it--and when the wind blows through this hole, previously the house of your soul, it hurts; it physically hurts. So, why did you not try harder? You just, walked away, and you set me out to the curb, with your evening trash. You just... left.
Because of you, I know pain, all too well. And, so... I missed you. I couldn't think about anything. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I just, missed you. Every second of every day. And with missing you, came hope. I hoped, but that hope... faded. And in the absence of hope, I lied in bed, and I felt like I may just, die, right there. So, yes: I take things personally. I get too emotional. I fight--I fight until I can't fight, anymore; but hey, at least, I tried. You didn't.
Because of you, I loved. Oh, the word: Love (noun \ˈləv\): a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person, thrown around so freely, between us. But, you didn't love me. Maybe, I was good for your ego. Or, maybe, you didn't want to be alone. Or, maybe, I made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love me; because, you do not destroy the people you love. And yet, you made me feel as if I had a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world, than thinking you had a chance when you really don't.
Because of you, I hated you. My grandmother says that I should not use the word "hate." But, there is not a synonym stronger. So, yeah. I hated you... for awhile. And now, I would rather be alone; not because, I foresee I will be happier alone, but because, if I love someone and it falls apart, again, I don't think I will make it. Losing love, losing something you cannot replace, could it be worse? Because, it is like dying. Only, dying ends. This could go on, forever...
Because of you, I know myself, and that, will never change. You asked me to reach to a part of my soul I did not know existed, as we took our walking/talking adventures. You invited me to laugh louder, than I had before, as we played on five different playgrounds, in one outing. You gifted me credence in myself. You taught me how to dream (while the plan was together), alone is suiting me just fine. Well, really... I accomplished the aforementioned; you simply prompted me to. And, for that, I will be forever thankful.
Because of you, I know what forever is. You gave me forever, in a number of Summer days. We may not live on, forever, but the hate, the love, the fight, the passion... Will never die. Therefore, I pick one foot out of the mud, then the other. And if I can't walk, I'll crawl. I will continue to keep my forever. Some days, I must remind myself, in the strangest of ways, I am okay BECAUSE of you.
With appreciation,
Palmer
