When faced with troubling times in life, we are given blessings to help overcome them.
My grandmother was my best friend, my confidant. We would sit and talk for hours, discussing our hopes and dreams for the future. On December 20th, 2013, when she was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer, I felt as though all my hopes and dreams had vanished before my eyes. In my desperation, I asked for help and guidance from the only one I thought could help, God. For fourteen days, I was tied to a miserable room filled with sickness and fear. Medicine and science failed me. We knew we were not going to win the war, but I begged her to stay. Looking back, that was a selfish request. The cancer had taken its’ toll and she asked if she could go. She was in pain and I was asking to prolong it. I wasn’t ready to let go. How could God do something so horrible? This woman devoted her life to his name. I questioned my faith, everything I believed in. I was going to lose her, but I just wasn’t sure when the end would come. I spent the days and nights wandering around the deserted hospital halls, sipping coffee, and taking small bites of food to keep me going. When it became too much, I would make the drive to my best friends house, climb in bed, and cry for hours while she tried to calm me. I'd call my aunt who was hours away from me. I'd cry in the car. I'd cry in the shower. All I could do was cry. Everything else didn't seem to work, so this was how I handled what was so viciously thrown at me.
When my grandmother passed away on January 4th, 2014, I left the hospital by myself. I went to the one place that brought me solace, the beach. As I clung to her clothes, I begged to either give her back or take me. I couldn’t bear to be around anyone. I felt lost and empty. My best friend was gone and I was alone. In the weeks to come, I continued my life as if nothing had happened. I pushed forward. I didn’t want to share my pain with anyone else. Few people knew of my secrets, although I smiled and continuously said "I'm fine." I kept my thoughts inside and fought through my suffering in silence. I changed when my grandmother passed away, and became much more guarded. I seemed to flee from everything that once brought me joy. Mostly, I felt robbed of a life I had planned out so thoughtfully with the help of my grandmother. She missed my high school graduation, moving into college, having my first kiss, and getting my first serious boyfriend. The idea of her seeing me graduate, walking me down the aisle, and meeting her grandchildren are all painful reminders of the future I won’t be able to share with her. It makes me angry. I don't know if I will ever get over that.
As time passed, I slowly went back to my old life. I took down pictures, scraped away the memories that were left, and refused to talk about what happened. To be honest, I wanted to pretend that it didn't. My friends and family still noticed the changes in me. In that time, I was lucky to have my best friends Katie and Bryce there for me. I had my aunt on speed dial. My mom and I handled it on our own, dealing with the pain in different ways. If it wasn't for them though, I don't know if I would be here today. They were the light in the darkness. My friends kept me sane. The constant supply of food brought over, movie nights, and surprise visits gave me a second family that I never knew I needed. These people were my saviors when my faith fell from under me. The significance of their friendship in that time is exactly what I needed. When I couldn't turn to my family, I turned to them. I believe that they were put in my life for a reason. God knew I would need them for something big. I am beyond blessed to have them. I might not tell them that enough, even though I should. I have taken them for granted, but as I get older and I look back to that haunted time of my life; I know how lucky I am. I don't know if my faith will ever be the same or if it will be as strong as it was before. I hope to one day be as trusting in my faith as my grandmother. I know one day I will see her again. Until then, I will go through this life with my friends by my side and the memories we make close to my heart.
I was saved; Not by my faith, but by my friendships.
